Welcome, welcome, welcome one and all to another edition of 7 days in mobiles. Something wicked is in the air this spring, and we're anxious to find out what it is. So instead of diving headfirst into the news pool, let us spring excitedly into the forest of mobile chat, where the Nokia pixies and the Samsung elves are having some sort of party.
Riding high into the sunset, we see the foothills of the Mobile Forest, where Leprechauns, Banshees and Unicorns roam free. Down to the left is a stream, filled with all kinds of phone-related water. But look! Struggling on the bank is a flat, tablet-like being, seemingly dragging itself up from the depths of the water.
"Good sir, what is your name and what ails you?"
"I am that new esteemed phone from Motorola that's been leaked, you know, the one with a 3.2-inch touchscreen, 5MP Kodak camera and a 3.5G connection."
"And when shall you be brought upon to the world, noble handset?"
"I don't know."
"Oh."
Galloping on deeper into the forest, we enter a silvery paradise, where all kinds of magical wonder reside. Every tree dangles the shining strands of elegance, complete each with an LG GD910 watch phone for the utmost in decadence.
"What is this place, and how much would these new magical devices cost?" we wonder aloud, breathily, for they look veritably awesome.
"£1,000 to you, squire," says a nearby grape, oddly called Simon. "Costs that much because word is it can fly."
"Really?"
"No, but it's still a grand."
"Oh. Actually, we'll probably be alright without one then."
The grape looks angry. "How about £500 with contract on Orange?"
"How much per month?"
"£40."
"Erm... no, we're good thanks."
The grape is now full of wrath. "Well, you want a Palm Pre?"
"Is it coming to the UK?"
"Yes, it's on Palm's website, squire."
"Have they confirmed it though?"
"Erm... no"
"Not a good week for you, is it, Simon the Grape?"
"Not particularly."
On we ride (not sure what we're riding on, as there wasn't a horse mentioned at the start of this clearly well put together narrative. For funsies, let's say we're on Segways) into a cavern that appears to have a horizon that goes on forever. There's a massive clock hanging in the air in front of us.
We ask a nearby jeweller, one peddling gems to Motorola to put on its phones in order to make them all bling 'n' that for celebrities and rich folks, what strange land we have stumbled into.
"Noble traveller, this is the cave of Android. 'Tis surely the place where all things Android do reside. If thou are desiring knowledge on Andro..."
"We can find it here?"
"You have entered these caves before sir?"
"No, you're just an obvious and boring character for this plotline."
"Oh."
Presently a large and multicoloured logo descends from the ceiling and starts belting out words at a terrific speed, making us quiver all-asunder.
"That new Android phone from Huawei will come to the Mobile of T. An Asus exec has told of a forthcoming Android Eee PC. The Kogan Agora, with Android inside, could revived still be. That is all."
And with that, the rhyming logo disappeared, causing us to wonder if eating those mushrooms as a tasty snack on the way in was the best idea.
From there, we took the boat upon the shore, discarding whatever it is we were riding and moving away into faraway lands of next week's news...
Confusing kit of the week
This is a car kit from yesteryear. Which year precisely, we're not entirely sure, but it must be a while ago as the phone used in it has still got an antenna. And we reckon these were outlawed on the grounds of health and safety, as you could get them caught in the lining of your trousers and sit on the pointy bit at an uncomfortable angle you could do yourself a mischief.
But what a way to use your mobile in the car. After setting it all up, connecting so many things and generally panel beating the car into a new shape to use it, you'd end up upgrading within two months... then you'd be left with nothing more than a weird tech octopus spewing from your air vents.
The 'Why, Why WHY ON EARTH did you make this?' award
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