They seek him here, they seek him there, they seek him near the Watford Gap... or something. The Scarlet Pimpernel eventually revealed his persona in the book or play or whatever it was, but the Palm Pre just refuses to show itself in the UK and frankly, it's bugging the living daylights out of us.

"At this point, though, we have nothing more specific to announce regarding European carriers nor exact European availability dates," harrumphed Palm, shouting to us while it tried to plug a huge hole in a big tank marked 'Cash'.Palm

Boring response Palm, very boring. So we spoke to Prof Terry McMadeUp, Professor of quotes TechRadar needs to make stories more interesting at TRU in London, and he had the following to say:

"The Palm Pre will be coming to the UK, and with O2 as well. It will be released on 14 July, just after the announcement of the iPhone Nano, the HTC G3 and the question to the meaning of life.

"We have it on good authority that the Palm Pre will come in red, blue and baked bean colours in Europe, based on astrological charts developed in the sands of Angola."

We then realised that there was a reason why we didn't speak to Prof Terry any more, mostly after we caught him watching us sleep one time too many.

Delta ops

We got wind of three more phones striking poses down at Madeira Bay, with the word being they were from Nokia.

Friend of the chav"Swoosh whoosh," said the wind. "Theeeeere are threeeee new ppppphhhhones from Noookia ddooown byyy Madeirrrrra Baaaay." See?

Turns out, they weren't just any phones, but ones that took music to the next level or something, according to Nokia. The 5730 was all touchy feely when it comes to music, with touch-sensitive keys and a keyboard that was clearly made by a dot matrix printer from the 1980s going mad and spreading its dottiness on everything and anything it could find.

But the 5030 is what's really got our goat, and forced us to call in the special ops boys to take it out before it ever makes its off Nokia Island. It's got an internal antenna, which means you no longer need to connect headphones to listen to it.

You know what that means, don't you? Yes, that means chavs. On the bus. Playing the radio out loud. And what do Nokia do? Give it an extra loud speaker to boot! Why?

So it's up to us. We see the 5030 standing on a cliff at night time, the sea breeze blowing it (not real) hair, wistfully looking at its commuter-baiting future. We take aim through night vision goggles, squeeze the trigger and the 5030 falls from view.

Quickly, silently and covertly we jump in the chopper and we're gone. In fact, we were never on Nokia Island, and if anyone says different, tell us and they'll be gone too.

Pic o' the week

You might think this is a funny joke about hands free. Perhaps his office chums, thinking they were HILARIOUS, said 'Hey Jeff, we've clubbed together to buy you a hands-free accessory for the mobile phone you keep in a leather case.'headphone

Well, Jeff had the last laugh, by wearing the rubber band and attaching his phone. Note how his brow is rumpled by the strain of the band. His ear must hurt. The whole thing looks unstable.

But hey, it's funny. IT'S FUNNY! Or not, whatever. Like we care what YOU think.