Steve Jobs employed OJ Simpson as a "hitman", price-gouged the Apple iPhone and cloned Dolly the sheep in 1997. That's if recent charges filed against him by a South Carolina prison inmate are anything to go by.

Naturally the claims have been dismissed, with US District Judge Gregory Presnell rather eloquently saying: "The whole thing reads like a cross between Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire' and a Dr. Bronner's soap label, if Dr. Bronner had been a first-year law student with untreated paranoid schizophrenia."

Apple Insider got its clutches on a handwritten copy of the rest of accusations - which get progressively more outlandish - check them out here.

Thieves rob Godfather director

Thieves in Argentina have stolen a computer containing the script for Godfather and Apocalypse Now director Francis Ford Coppola's new film, Tetro. Starring Matt Damon, filming is due to begin next February, the BBC reported. A reward has been offered for the return of the computer.

Let's hope the thieves realise what's inside the computer and act accordingly - rather than using it to, say, smuggle heroin through airports. Or something.

But it seems it's been a bit of a week for theft. Cyclist Lee Simmons pedalled 5,000 miles across the world - only to have his bike stolen when he returned home to Barnsley, according to The Sun. Having endured bandits and being left unlocked in slums, the bike was stolen from a garage back home in South Yorkshire.

We've got a particularly special gadget for you this week. Announcing... the Mpion player - a portable "zit-zapper" and mp3 player in one. Would you believe it? Whether you're in the office or bedroom, the "ion mode" will deep cleanse your face while playing 32 of your favourite tracks. You heard it here first, folks: "while relaxing, skin care is possible".

And finally...

Yep, he's done it again. Steve Smith, aka Zune tattoo nutter, has emerged with a third Zune tattoo proudly displayed across his shoulder reading: "Welcome to the social". Truly an inspiration to us all.