7 Days in Mobiles: Motorola's un-iPhone creates a Storm

As it's been an interesting week in the old world of mobiles, we've enlisted the help of a popular newscaster to get you up to date with all the stuff that's happened.

BONG! A terrible thing has happened today. And also Motorola's 2009 line-up got leaked to the world... including a phone that looked very similar to the iPhone. Shenanigans! Copying! No, we would never say such a thing.

BONG! A more terrible thing has also happened today. And The Carphone Warehouse has decided to clear out the all the rubbish from underneath its bed by selling mobile phones for less than a pint. And also selling them for free. Can you do that?

BONG! Oh my God, we don't even want to talk about how terrible this other thing is. And there's a new Android handset being shown from Lenovo. In China. And it looks a bit like the iPhone. And it's called the oPhone. Though once again no shenanigans and copying.

Battle segment

FIGHT! The battle of the BlackBerry Storm vs the iPhone has once again reared its ugly head. Here, we describe the battle, '90s popular fighting computer game-style:

'Get over here!' the iPhone throws a spear that hits the Storm right on the click touchscreen. It depresses and the spear flicks right back.

The Storm sends a shower of ice towards the iPhone, but Apple's bad boy turns on the lighter app and melts itself before an uppercut can be unleashed.

The iPhone then spits acid in the face of the Storm, which melts a bit and can no longer show video but still keeps on receiving email, which is really the only point of the handsets.

The Storm then freezes the floor under the iPhone's feet, making it slide towards RIM's touchscreen handset, before delivering a cracking roundhouse and disabling the iPhone's camera. Nobody notices.

But the iPhone does some weird grabby, throwy thing and stuns the Storm into submission. FINISH HIM!

The iPhone gets out a comparative pie chart showing the popularity of the two devices globally in terms of initial sales, and the Storm just dies and everyone stops reading this section because it's got a bit boring. LAME-ALITY!

Mobile YouTube

OK, for MYT this week we're going to be a bit more risqué. If you're not allowed to view such things at work, we suggest you skip this bit. It's not naked-wrong or anything, but still, we like to warn you.

There's a reason we lock our phones with passwords. You never know what you might find on your friend's handset...

"I walked outside / into the rain / got out my phone / and I see you rang / and I..."

How angry would you be if you're teaching a class and someone gets on their cellphone and starts talking? This angry?

There's a reason why some people hate others talking on hands-free kits. Things like this could happen. And nobody wants that.

iPhone spoof of the week

A look at what might happen if the iPhone ran Windows...

Scary press shot of the week

I don't really want to use images from LG every week, but if they keep scaring me in the way that they do I might have to rename this segment.

Why do you have so many ice creams? Why is this phone called the LG Ice Cream? Why is she in a huge hat while the other model just gets mittens? There are too many phones in this picture, and ice cream too... pastel colours just seem to have this effect on me that makes me want to rock in the corner weeping.

Retro phone of the week - The Nokia 3210

Come with me on a journey through time, back to the year 1999. Let's party like it's 1999. Two years before the Space Odyssey began. The year The Matrix landed... and the Nokia 3210.

Look at it, in all its majestic beauty. OBSERVE! There's no aerial. Now, we see this as a downside, as we like to have a pull-up toy on the top of every phone, but at the time, it was super awesome.

And just look at the picture... how could a phone in such a funky turquoise and photographed at such a funky angle not be funky? It is so funky that it might as well be dressed in flares and be strutting its stuff in Amsterdam in the 1970s. But it's not.

We saw the game Pairs on this handset, along with such favourites as Snake and Rotation. We never played the last game, we assume it was rubbish. We were busier sending happy birthday messages to all our friends, with the superb pictures contained within.

Who cares that you couldn't watch video on this? Nobody wanted video all those years ago anyway... we had BOOKS! If you haven't read a book, head on down to your local library and get cracking. If you don't know where your local library is, use Google Maps on your phone and direct yourself there with the GPS on it.