7 Days in mobiles: 'acceptable erotica' on your phone

Welcome and all that to '7 days in mobiles'. We're feeling a little bit peculiar after an 'incident' with some anti-freeze and a panda, so we'll let a Victorian children's book lead you through the big stories this week:

"Quick! To the secret lair!" Shouted Algie, before scampering off at a trice to the disused nuclear bunker at the foot of the garden.

Alfonso, Ruben, Daphne and Shaznay, carrying cases of ginger beer and sandwiches prepared by the slightly effeminate Uncle Rodriguez, followed at pace, with Jemima, the pet llama scampering around.

Quickly they ran down the steps, opened the lead-lined door with a grunt, and sat down with a sigh on the concrete floor. Ruben let out an excited yelp and said, with his eyes shining: "I've heard Nokia might be scrapping DRM on its Comes with Music phones! Surely that will mean Mama and Pa will let us have one now, as they are just SO against the tyranny of DRM."

Shaznay rolled her eyes, looking at him like he was a snapped courgette. "Fathead, it's not because of the DRM, it's because of the measly range of devices that we're not allowed them! The 5310 and that's about it? Pshaw!"

Daphne, who was lying in the corner attempting to make a sandwich out of boiled ham and sackcloth, piped up suddenly: "Oh, I DO like music services on my phone. I like downloading things to the handset and then imagining I'm running through a desert listening to all the tracks Nokia suggested to me!"

Suddenly, the floor fell in as it was wont to do in these stories when the narrative wanes and something important needs to happen.

"Aaaaah!" Screamed the five, who were in no way famous.

They landed on a pit of sand, where a strange man with multi-coloured trousers and three monocles as lying on top of a tank of crocodiles. He was a strange cove, to be sure, but he had lashings of top quality string so the quintet took to him instantly.

"Who are you? Get out! I have diabolical plans to be getting on with!" The strange man said.

(He then looked a bit angry, postured a bit and quickly whipped out a cat and began stroking it in order to achieve the necessary level of evil, as he had learned in evil school. He only did it in the evenings while he was working as a car-wash attendant, but he passed with flying colours.)

"But sir, we fell through the ceiling and into this unlikely lair, which you seem to have built beneath a nuclear bunker on private grounds. If I'm honest, it seems unlikely, even for a tale that's being made up as it goes along," said Alfonso traitorously.

Alfonso then suddenly contracted chicken-pox and died, as if in some way he was punished for mocking the storyline.

The man stood up, and got something out of his pocket. "If you do not leave, then I will never show you this amazing new Moto TouchZINE HD..."

Algie looked thoroughly perplexed. "That looks like the Z8, but with some kind of shop put on top... a Photosh..."

"NO!" screamed the man, before hopping around with rage. "It is not made up! The name is totally the work of Motorola, it outputs in 1080p, has a full touchscreen and might run Android..."