7 days in mobile phones: the Nokia N97 isn't all that interesting

Bonjour, Guten Tag, Hello and Magnum PI. What do all of these things have in common? Well, three are greetings and one has a great moustache and is played by Tom Selleck.

But, enough about the rest of the world, you only care about mobile phones. Or cell phones if you're from the US... if you didn't know the difference, then I'm glad to have helped you out.

Anyway, a couple of things tickled my fancy this week, and you'll be glad to know that they're both about mobile phones and not something lewd and inappropriate.

Sad tale of the week

We apologise to all readers who were expecting Nokia's Tube phone (the inexplicably monikered 5800 XpressMusic) to be the iPhone killer. It's not, and in the same way, neither is the N97. And that's not because it's rubbish. It's because it's not an iPhone.

Like the plot of a bad 80's series, it turns out that only the iPhone can usurp itself. Only the iPhone can kill the iPhone.

So imagine the following scene on TV two decades ago (The iPhone is called Barney, the N97 Andy, the BlackBerry Storm Derek and the T-Mobile G1 Brian).

Scene: A back alley in downtown Phonetopia. Night. There is inexplicable smoke everywhere, and for some reason four phones are chatting.

Barney: Hey guys, what's up. I'm new in town. I'd like to become the King.

Derek: There's a Storm coming.

Andy shoots Derek a strange look

Brian: There's no room for you here.

Barney: But I'm so loveable and light and you can multi-touch me.

Andy: We'd rather not. This town isn't big enough for all of us. You need to go.

Barney: I've got just as much right to be here.

Andy and Brian advance menacingly, Derek has wandered behind a dumpster and is playing with some foil.

Barney: Hey, what's going on? I could take your picture if you hurt me... the cops will know what happened and who you were.

Andy: They'll never be able to see our faces. You have no flash.

Derek jumps up

Derek: FLASH!

He drops his foil and begins scrabbling around.Andy and Brian jump on Barney

Andy: Pull out his battery!

Brian: I can't! The whole back is screwed down!

Barney: You can never defeat me.

Andy and Brian fall back. Derek joins them, eating a hamburger. They all pull out guns.

Andy: We can.

All the phones start shooting Barney but the bullets are useless, bouncing off his body.

Barney: You can't kill me.

Andy presses a button and his interior turns into a mirrorBarney sees his own reflection and falls to the floor, the weight of his own burden draining his battery.

Barney: No, not this. I have no flaws!

Andy: You do. Many, but they have been well hidden by marketing and shiny metal.

Barney dies, but instantly is reborn. He gets up.

Andy: No, it's not possible. What's happened?

Barney: I'm faster. 3G faster. I can locate better. I am the perfect being.

Derek: Can you send MM...

Barney: That is not important.

Brian: Can you cut and pas...

Barney: People do not want that.

Andy: Is your camera any bett....

Barney: Cameras are not necessary. Look, will you stop? I am perfect.

Barney attempts to run after them at 7.2 mbps but finds he is inexplicably slow, and his GPS doesn't work surrounded by so many tall buildings, so he lumbers off in the wrong direction.Two more phones run slowly and Windows Mobishly round the corner, the Samsung Omnia (Iain) and the Sony Ericsson Xperia (Jeff).