Kurt Cobain, William Shakespeare, River Phoenix and Michael Jackson have all been booked to appear at what is being billed as the world's first live Twitter seance. The chances of anyone else having such a rubbish idea, even in the vast rubbish black hole of Twitter, are quite remote, so we'll believe that claim.
The event is being promoted as a genuine seance with proper dead people that will be conducted by psychic medium Jayne Wallace. A campaign was organised on Twitter to get idiots to submit the names of dead people they'd like to see someone pretending to speak to and saying what they think their answers might have been.
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GRATEFUL DEAD: "Kurt is saying can you tell Courtney to wear smarter clothes"
So what would we ask William Shakespeare via a Twitter seance? We'd ask him if he was offended that charlatans are using his name to whore out shops 400 years after his death. The shameful event kicks off today at 10.30am UK time, should you want to see someone pretending to do ridiculous things on Twitter, for a change.
"It's your blinking time, Mr Wilson"
No offence, but if you need telling when to blink by a machine we'd suggest that technology has started to invade our lives a little too deeply. But that is indeed the purpose of the Wink Glasses, a device aimed at people for whom even automatic brain functions are too demanding.
There's a bit of boring-but-factual medical science behind the spec enhancement - each lens cover mists up after five seconds to encourage blinking among people who stare at screens for hours and hours.
LOAD OF WINK: Stop squirming in your chair and go to the toilet [Image credit: Metro]
You know how uncomfortable it is when you blink after not having blinked for ages? That's the extremely mild disability maker Masunaga Optical Manufacturing is targeting with the lens mister, for around £263. What next? A sponge on a stick to ram saliva down your throat so you don't have to remember to swallow?
Portable TV in air traffic drama
A child was asked to do his "sad face" by a newspaper photographer this week, after being told the bedroom TV he had successfully lobbied his parents for was a possible threat to local air traffic. An Ofcom engineer, acting on complaints of broken transmissions between planes and the control tower at nearby Luton Airport, discovered the problem - 12-year-old Nickie's booster aerial was broken and occasionally transmitting noise on the same frequency used by aircraft.
OH THE HUMANITY: Just don't book a flight that leaves when TV Burp is on. We're not missing that [Image credit: MASONS via The Telegraph]
"When I found out what happened I was upset because I couldn't watch cartoons or the television for a while - but it's better than causing a plane crash," the boy said, illustrating that his parents have done a good job of teaching him the importance of human life over Spongebob.
Romanian space balloon nears launch
This is going to sound like a joke nicked from Borat, but it's not. The Aeronautics and Cosmonautics Romanian Association (which they shorten to ARCA not ACRA for some reason) is the other space team that planned a new rocket launch this week, with the privately-funded, non-profit Romanians hoping to float a balloon into space - then fire a rocket off once it hits orbit.
The ARCA HAAS launcher was due to have floated/blasted off this week, but has been delayed due to poor weather conditions. And the man in charge of blowing up the massive balloon said his ears were starting to hurt.
Borne out of the old X PRIZE challenge to launch a private craft into space - now known as the Lunar X PRIZE due to shifting its goalposts to the surface of the Moon - test rocket "Helen" and its balloon will launch from a ship, for safety reasons, next week.
HARDWOOD EXTERIOR: It's blown up... but that's a good thing