10 gadgets guaranteed to make James Bond relevant again
What you are about to read has been penned by Mr Biffo, the creative force behind the 90s Teletext videogames magazine Digitiser. He now runs the show at digitiser2000.com.
James Bond's latest adventure is about to hit cinemas, but is the super-spy still relevant in 2015?
Whether he's chasing dodgy-looking gunslingers through building sites, getting drunk in casinos or walking out of the sea in his underpants, 007 always has the latest items of modern tech at his disposal.
Here are 10 that Q Branch could issue for the dapper man's next assignment.
1. UBER APP
This might appear to be an ordinary Uber app, but it would come in extra useful if Bond found himself in a sticky situation in, let's say, downtown Khartoum (or one of those places).
All he would have to do is whip out his smartphone, order a cab, select the "pick-up" destination… and within minutes his pursuers will be obliterated by a cruise missile strike from an orbiting satellite of death.
"Did somebody order a taxi?" he might utter cooly, while stepping over their burning corpses.
2. SELFIE STICK
Bond can disguise himself as an average tourist, with this seemingly standard Q Branch selfie stick.
Should he ever be cornered by Russian assassins, all he has to do is click a button on the shaft of the narcissism wand, and a pneumatic arm will telescope out, dabbing a moist bean into each of their mouths. The resulting confusion will give Bond all the time he needs to make a dramatic escape.
"I hope you didn't expect me to stick around," he'd chuckle smoothly, while running away.
3. TOY DRONE
Drones are everywhere these days – you even see kids in the park, flying them into the ground and trees. Bond's Q-issue toy drone comes with a bonus robotic son, so that he can appear to be nothing more than a doting father.
However, not only is Bond's drone able to take photographs of covert installations, but his robotic son has a pair of telescoping legs, allowing the secret agent to clamber onto his back in order to step over high fences.
"You're growing up fast," he would doubtlessly quip to his mechanical offspring.
4. FITNESS TRACKER WRISTBAND
Like most middle-aged men, Bond is probably terrified of dying or getting fat, and that's why an activity tracker wristband wouldn't look out of place on his arm.
But wait! 007's Q-designed wristband is far from typical: it hides a powerful electromagnet that only works on lady's bras.
"There's nothing more I enjoy than one off the wrist," he'd probably sneer, misogynistically.
5. SATNAV WATCH
Even a veteran super spy must know where he is headed, which is why Bond's special Garmin GPS would come with all the features you'd expect from a top-of-the-range navigation system.
However, a secret option tucked away on the preferences screen will also show Bond a running tally of how many people he has killed.
"Now sat's entertainment," he'd likely announce to nobody in particular.
6. INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT
It's important that Bond remain incognito, which is why Q Branch could develop a number of special filters for his personal Instagram account – which replace his face with that of a nondescript youth called 'Jimes Brond'.
"LOL," Bond might comment, while pulling a duck face, and sucking in his stomach.
7. BEATS BY DRE
These ordinary-looking Beats come gift-wrapped in birthday paper – the ideal gift for any foreign agent Bond is trying to seduce.
But wait! They conceal a lethal secret: with two claps of his manly hands, they will inject a magic potion directly into the wearer's brain, turning them into a big worm.
"Somebody's having a bad Dre," he'd whisper, effectively.
Let's get this out of the way now: these Segway-like wheeled platforms are not hoverboards, so please… please stop calling them that. But still, as the hot new mode of transport, it only seems right that James Bond should swap his Aston Martin for one of them.
Imagine an exciting, low-speed chase on these self-balancing wheel board things, through the cluttered streets of Bombay. Maybe 007's vehicle could be tooled-up with machine guns, and a honey dispenser to attract an impenetrable cloud of bees.
"Why don't you beehive yourselves?" he could cackle predictably.
9. OCULUS RIFT
There's nothing special about the Oculus Rift headset that Bond is equipped with by Q Branch; it's just a regular pair of virtual reality goggles.
However, by posing as an Oculus developer, Bond could lure enemy agents into trying out a VR demo… and then punch them in the throat violently while their eyes and ears are obscured.
"VR not friends," he might bellow repeatedly, as he does so.
10. PLAYSTATION 4
Bond doesn't strike us as the sort of chap to sit around playing video games, but he probably needs some way to unwind between missions that doesn't simply involve heavy drinking and casual sex.
A PlayStation 4 pre-loaded with soothing titles such as Journey, or Everybody's Gone to the Rapture, might be the ideal way to keep his PTSD at bay.
"PS. I love you," he is unlikely to say.