What you are about to read has been written by Mr Biffo, the creative force behind the 90s Teletext videogames magazine Digitiser. He now runs the show at digitiser2000.com
As the world is gripped by war and terrorism, the West has but one thing on its mind: bargains!
Black Friday might've once been an American tradition, but the rest of the allegedly civilised world is at last waking up to the idea of having one day a year where we can numb ourselves against the awfulness of life by snapping up great deals.
Just like former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer back in 1986, you too can learn the art of spotting a mega-deal. Here's everything you need to know before heading out on Black Friday.
1. PACK YOUR BLACK FRIDAY SURVIVAL KIT
You're never going to get through Black Friday unless you remember the Fifteen P's: Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Prepation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation and Pre-Paration.
The more prepared you are going in, the better the chance of getting those sweet bargains. Pack a rucksack with everything you might need: a shovel so that you can dig deep into those bargain bins; a Pip Boy; an electric cattle prod and/or flanged mace to take down anybody who stands in your way; and enough warming broth to last the full duration of your Black Friday experience.
If you don't have broth to hand, just use regular soup and thicken it up with your own spume.
2. SAY A PRAYER AND MAKE A SACRIFICE
It is considered tradition to offer a sacrifice to the God of Black Friday – Bargainus the Black – by destroying all the goods you intend to replace in the sales.
Smash them to tiny pieces while reciting the Black Friday Prayer: "It's Black Friday, Black Friday, Gotta get down on Black Friday, Yesterday was Brown Thursday, Today i-is Black Friday, We we we so excited, We gonna have a ball today, Amen".
3. GET IN LINE EARLY
The earlier you line up for the bargains the better. If at all possible, start lining up a decade or two before the store opens. Better still, if you really want to get the jump on your fellow bargain-hunters, start lining up before the store has even been built.
If you think this might be excessive, just remember the sorts of awesome future tech you'll be able to buy at a reduced price in 20 years! Plus, if you bank your income, the interest you'll accrue while waiting in line will ensure that you'll be able to afford even more bargains! Bargain!
**Mandatory disclaimer: Apple is not officially participating in Black Friday.
4. HIRE SOME FELLOW BARGAIN HUNTERS
Maximise your changes of getting the bargains you want by recruiting an army of bargain hunters. Place your squad in line outside different branches of the store which has the best deals.
BF TIP: Transients and people who are desperate to be liked will work for virtually nothing, and providing you confiscate all their shoes – and refuse to return them unless they acquire the bargains you desire – you'll be able to make them do whatever you need, probably.
5. MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE BARGAINS
Don't head into Black Friday without an idea of what you want to get out of it. Do your research beforehand, and storm into the store with a clear idea of which bargains you're going for.
Bear in mind that things can get pretty rough in the bargain-hunting throng, so you might wish to prepare a more robust list. Think about getting it tattooed on your thigh, or laser-etched onto a sheet of tungsten. The last thing you need when in the midst of a Black Friday scrum is being left adrift without a list.
6. MAKE FRIENDS
Let's face it, you and your fellow bargain-hunters are all there for the same thing: bargains. This makes it easy to strike up conversation – good opening lines include "So, I guess you're here for the bargains then", "I bet you really like bargains", and "Do you know any good anagrams of the word 'bargains'?".
Best of all, once you've got their confidence, and built trust, they are less likely to see it coming when you stab them in the back. Take that as literally as you wish.
7. WHEN THE STORE OPENS - RUN
The second that store opens, check your civility at the door. Black Friday is all about survival of the fittest. Do you think our cavemen ancestors were nice to one another when they were jostling for the best mammoths on the tundra?
You need to tap into your primal instincts to get those bargains – even if it means bludgeoning your fellow bargain-hunters with a sabre-tooth tiger's jawbone, or swinging from light fittings.
8. START QUEUING FOR NEXT YEAR
You made it out alive! You got the bargains you came for! Now it's time to do it all over again. You can't rest on your laurels, and relax: if you don't start lining up now for next year's bargains, somebody else is going to beat you to it.
Quickly now – that guy looks like he might be thinking about getting in line!