Look away now! 15 truly terrible iPhone cases

If you want to know if Apple design guru Jony Ive took some time off this summer, joked one Twitter user, then simply have a look at Apple's new iPhone battery case.

The unsightly bulge, the massive bezel effect… what has happened to the company that is usually the gold standard in design?

But Apple is by no means the worst offender. We've got 15 other mad, bonkers and hideous iPhone cases for you to enjoy ahead of the arrival of the brand new  iPhone 8 / iPhone X on September 12. 

Japan’s fake food

You should never eat off your phone, unless you want a legitimate excuse to get off work the next day. However, in Japan there’s a micro craze for phone cases designed to look exactly like popular Japanese meals.

Fancy some Mapo Tofu plopped across its back? Or some salmon roe on a bed of rice? No problem.

Some of these actually look kinda cool, in a self inflicted prank sort of way. This Shirako Ponzu takes the fortune cookie, though, putting a full bowl on the back of your iPhone. 

Apparently it makes the thing super-stable to hold while you’re on the phone to your mum. Pity your phone won’t fit in your pocket anymore.

Ayeena Fashion

If you look the most offensive episodes of My Super Sweet Sixteen, blended them together in a food mixer and then used the toxic goo created to make an iPhone case, you’d end up with the Ayeena Fashion.

It’s a tacky blend of fake fur, fake gold and fake diamonds that’ll make your iPhone look pampered and spoilt in the worst possible way. An oversize bow really finishes off the look, a sickening style-free cherry on top.

Given how germy our phones get after a few months’ use, we dread to think the sort of antibiotic-resistant diseases you could incubate in that fur too.

Hana Nose iPhone case

Is the Hana Nose case art? Is it a joke? It’s kinda both. Terrible art and a bad joke.

This is a silicone case with a hooter on the back, and you can shove your fingers up the nostrils to hold your phone in place. Or you can bung your earphones up there. Maybe don’t trust them with your AirPods, though. We wouldn’t.

Other than having people starting at you on the train, sure you’re making some sort of covert comedy YouTube video, the Hana nose case will give you a seriously suspect-looking bulge in your pocket. It’s a winner all-around.

Dokkiri lady’s hand iPhone case

Five years on Tinder and still can’t find anyone to hold your hand? Forget your terrible personality and sweaty palms, why not just give up on love and just buy this bizarre iPhone case instead?

Now you can hold someone’s hand whenever you make a phone call. Or just leave a disembodied mitt poking out of your jeans. It’s a strong look: serial killer and proud.

If a woman’s hand isn’t creepy enough for you, the Dokkiri hand case comes in a child’s size too. If you’ve ever seen a creepier case, let us know. Sadly it won’t fit new iPhones so you’ll have to dig out your old iPhone 5 to get your hands on one.

Izivibe

A few years ago there was a lot of talk about how phones were convergence devices. Who needs a laptop? Who needs an MP3 player? Someone had to go and take it too far, didn’t they?

Izivibe is an iPhone case that turns your phone into a vibrator, with a great big stick of medical grade silicone pseudo-penis sticking out of the top.

And when you’re not, err, using it, that pink phallus can double as a handle. Izivibe hooks up with a phone app that lets you choose from seven levels of vibration intensity. 

The Metro called this "the worst idea anyone's ever had", and we're inclined to agree. The iPhone 6 case looks like a handgun, and when your phone is in your pocket, the handle and trigger poke out, as if to make it look like you have a gun.

Even the cops agree, as New York's 112th Precinct tweeted that they would "NOT suggest purchasing this cell phone case".

Really, if you're stupid enough to have this case and end up in trouble as a suspected murderer, it's your own fault.

Not the most practical of cases, the lobster case was apparently inspired by surrealist artist Salvador Dali. According to Incredible Things, in 1942 Dali remarked "I do not understand why, when I ask for a grilled lobster in a restaurant, I am never served a cooked telephone."

See, all you have to do is paint some melted clocks and decades later people will think your sub-Noel Fielding nonsense is worthy of commemoration in a case for something that hasn't been invented yet.

Say what you will about this case, but it probably stands quite a chance of putting anyone off of stealing your phone. If this is how you choose to identify your device to the outside world, imagine what horrors await once you unlock the home screen?

Sadly it is unclear who the person pictured actually is… but it is safe to say that we probably wouldn't want to get too close to him.

Imagine being an important business executive, in an important business meeting, where important business is to be discussed. Just as you're getting to the part where you breakdown the crucial Q3 sales figures to the board your phone rings… and you pull out your iPhone "booty call" case.

The board would probably think that you're a "total legend", and invite you to take drugs with them, if The Wolf of Wall Street has taught us anything.

For years, the 'luxury' industry has been trying to convince us that by covering normal stuff in jewels, it suddenly becomes many magnitudes classier. But we're not really seeing it, to be honest.

Check out the Rhinestone case from Wanelo, which while it looks like it didn't hit every branch when falling from the ugly tree, certainly crystalised deep in the ugly cage.

Now you can own your piece of American trucker culture - even if the closest thing you have to an 18-wheeler is a Nissan Micra. That's right - move over trucknuts… now you can get… Phoneballs.

If fairness, the makers are donating 10% of the profits to Testicular Cancer Research so at least you'll be mortgaging your dignity for a worthy cause.

Now you can re-live one the earliest internet memes in phone case form, as you can actually turn your iPhone into a banana phone. If you want to be really meta, why not play the video on the phone while in the case?

Tired of your phone obscuring your ear? Well you're in luck, you weirdo. Now you can get an ear-shaped case for your phone.

It'll provide the perfect disguise, if you're actually a giant.

This almost - almost - seems like a good idea. SniffiePig will hold your phone and give you somewhere to hang your headphones when you're not using them.

Made of silicone and with a massive bulge at the back, it'll ensure that you'll never be able to lie your iPhone flat ever again.

If you're wondering what the worst iPhone case is. This is it. Not just in terms of design, of the appearance of the person featured (though both are pretty hideous), but because of what it represents.

Not only does it suggest that you want Donald Trump to win the Presidency, but it suggests that so enthusiastic are you about such a prospect that you want Trump's face on your phone.