5. Will you marry me?
Platform: Android
Price: Free
By this point, we've already dug up some some pretty atrocious apps - really, truly awful things. But just when you think you've scraped the bottom of the barrel, someone lifts that barrel up and out squirms a monstrosity that defies imagination.
That monster is Will you marry me?, an app that wants to do the job of proposing to your most beloved one for you.
"Have you ever tried tell your feelings for your girlfriend, or boyfriend?" asks the blurb in broken English. "Want you to make it with your phone? Can't you say it yourself? You can't speak in these situations? You are not alone! But... You can do it with your phone!"
No. No you can't.
Let's start with the design. The app is a single landing page that can only be described as 'my first Powerpoint'. You don't read the text so much as decipher it from a font that, for good reason, we've never seen used before in our lives.
Thankfully the adverts at the bottom are completely legible, directing you to apps that will help you "meet flirty single women" and other entirely inappropriate dating sites. This really helps the romantic mood.
The background displays two giant wedding rings with "Will you marry me?" scrawled across the top, while your significant other has the choice of selecting either "Yes" or "I need more time".
If your soon-to-be-ex taps the latter, "Think it through again, please, I LOVE YOU!" appears on the screen, suggesting that this relationship has turned into some hellish multiple-choice RPG that they cannot win.
But that button's so unreadable that they'll probably just hit "Yes" to just make the nightmare end. Then the shrill organ music starts to play and they realise that the real nightmare has just begun: they're about to spend the rest of their life with a person who thought that this app was a good idea.
