4. Beef War
Platform: Android/iOS
Price: Free on Android/ $0.99 (69p) on iOS
Imagine an alternate version of history where America fought the Nazis not with guns or Buccaneer bombers, but with beef. No, in fact, stop imagining - you can live that very scenario right now.
Beef War is precisely what its name suggests. It's a war where your only ammunition is cuts of cow. The description doesn't give much away beyond the fact we can expect "48 unique cuts of beef, seven types of panzers, and 'intense strategies'."
Enemy tanks will blast different bovine parts in the middle of the screen, and it's your job to fling meat at them. Yes, meat beats Panzer. What do you mean you've never played Beef, Bayonet, Blitzkrieg before?
Every piece of meat is labeled on an Angus Beef Chart, which unhelpfully uses the world's smallest font size. You'll soon know your chuck pot roast from your flank steak, assuming you have superhero vision.
Ok, so there's some underlying message about American beef farmers being undermined by foreign trade. However, any awareness of the issue is offset by Herbert the Pervert seductively calling out the names of the beef types as you annihilate the enemy, like we're living in some war-meat fetishist's kinky sex fantasy.
And none of this is helped by the absence of any explanation from the app developer whatsoever beyond "BEEEF WAAAAAR" being screamed at you every time you start the game.
And while there's some strategy to it, we'd hardly call it "intense". Though we'll give it this: it's the most realistic war simulator with beef cuts you can play right now, down to the constant and not-at-all-annoying sounds of distress as cowzilla is slowly Panzer'd to death.
Sometimes at night, we can still hear the mooing.
