Bewitched by The Witcher 3, less impressed by Metal Gear's squeezable knockers


If Dragon Age: Inquisition was 2014's Game of the Year for me, then it looks almost certain that The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt will be 2015's. I can't quite decide whether it's the vastly improved mechanics and interface, the gorgeous graphical upgrade or just protagonist Geralt's incredibly fine bod, but the game has completely blown me away.

It's out on the 19th May - that's next Tuesday - so it's not long before the general public can revel in the wonder that is Geralt's tight-fitting trousers. Oh my.

A sequel to the last-gen Witcher 2, Wild Hunt has G-Dog running around a map that's 1.5 times the size of GTA V's Los Santos, rescuing various damsels in distress and lopping the heads off mythical beasts. It's good old-fashioned monster huntering at its best, and even if you find that tiring or difficult, you've still got diplomacy, drinking and a Hearthstone-esque deck-building strategy card game, Gwent, to master. And did I mention Geralt's exceptionally toned butt?

Meanwhile, in the land of Things That Aren't CGI Bottoms, Kojima and Konami are still managing to fuel the most unlikely of conspiracy theories over Metal Gear Solid, but this time, it's… squidgy. Gone are the rumours of head transplants and murder, and in their place is something just downright creepy. Kojima - not all that mature to begin with, given his history of giggling over the scantily-clad babes in his games - is now in hot water over a figurine of scantily-clad Metal Gear Solid babe, Quiet.

Basically, the trouble isn't over the fact that she's dressed like a lingerie model, but that the figurine's boobs are made of a soft, squishy material, so the doll's knockers are, er, realistically squeezable. The rest of the world sighed a collective sigh of frustration and despair. Perving on an excellently formed CGI butt is one thing, but squishy boobs on what is basically a desk toy? That's taking creepy a step too far.

But as my grandmother always used to say, when God closes a door of sexism, he opens a window of anti-sexism. The upcoming Assassin's Creed game will feature (at last!) a female main character: Evie Frye, a British twin assassin, alongside her brother, Jacob. Hooray! The Brotherhood has finally accepted that maybe "holding a knife" and "jumping a lot" aren't things that only dudes can do.

AC Syndicate will be set in Victorian London, with a load of train fights, boat fights and underground boxing alongside excellent hats and facial hair. Here's hoping that the hidden blades will be replaced with hidden butter knives, because you never know when you might want a crumpet.