Brace yourself for a new outbreak of the internet's favourite game - conspiracy theorising. Renowned news service of global importance The Sun is currently running a NASA photo of Mars that could BUST OPEN our very notions of alien life and our place in the cosmos.
"The giant monolith juts out of the planet's surface" says the paper of the supposed newly found Martian erection, adding that the lump is a bit like the one from epic space film
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Killjoy 'scientists' apparently claim it's little more than "a boulder" catching the light in a funny way - but we know who we'd believe in a battle between science and people on the internet.
Let's go there, poke it with a stick and make it ANGRY. We need a good war. We've got all those spare nukes that'll only need throwing away in a few years if they don't get used.
TOMORROW: Freddie Star's hamster & Myleene Klass to pilot investigative Martian peace mission
A lollipop if you're good
What beats a good conspiracy on the internet? A good niche. The smaller the better. Ideally, you want so few people in your particular internet niche that the annual 'meet' could be held in a bedsit and no one would have to share a chair with anyone else.
Take Student Dentist for example. It's a social network aimed at student dentists. You'd think they'd be a bit busy beating off hordes of angry people with toothache trying to book an NHS appointment, but no. The poor student dentists are, like everyone else, trying to bring meaning to their lives via having a list of "friends" on a website and uploading their humorous pet photos (pictured below).
Here, look. We've started a social network - People Who've Read Weird Tech This Week. See you there!
DRILL DOWN: Bad news, Mr Woofles - it's going to cost £3,000 and require a general anaesthetic
No XXXXing on the iPhone
If you read Weird Tech last week, you'll remember the hoo-hah about Apple and its angry threats in which it associated hacking the iPhone with international terrorism, causing the human ageing process and drought.
Now the cleaner-than-thou tech firm has once again come across as being a bit clinically insane, after censoring a dictionary. The reason? Dictionaries have rude words in, meaning an iPhone dictionary would have rude words in, which could lead to an iPhone user being inadvertently offended should they manually type in WILLIE or BOOBS to look up their meaning. (Apple's Phil Schiller has since refuted that Apple has censored "common swearwords".)
But please, no swearing in front of Steve Jobs. He's still a bit weak from the operation and absolutely must not be upset.
NASTY TASTE: "Dear Apple, I inadvertently offended myself by typing in 'poo' and seeing the word 'poo' on your so-called family-friendly iPhone"
One final glorious link for the brave people
Now, everyone loves a bit of North Korea action, so how about this to celebrate Bill Clinton's ground-breaking meeting with the Beloved Most Amazing Leader of North Korea Kim Jong-il? Here is the Pochonbo Electronic Ensemble, with a catchy number they call Thank you, Comrade Kim Jong-il.
We're not sure what they are thanking him for. Probably not the famines caused by his regime. The weather, perhaps? The expert golfing tips?
And if that one's not up tempo enough for you, try the video on this North Korean music page - it's incendiary. We might start an internet petition to have North Korea allowed into Eurovision. It's easily about as European as Lithuania.