Skip to main content
Tech Radar TechRadar the technology experts
Sign in
  • View Profile
  • Sign out
RSS
Asia
flag of Singapore
Singapore
Europe
flag of Danmark
Danmark
flag of Suomi
Suomi
flag of Norge
Norge
flag of Sverige
Sverige
flag of UK
UK
flag of Italia
Italia
flag of Nederland
Nederland
flag of België (Nederlands)
België (Nederlands)
flag of France
France
flag of Deutschland
Deutschland
flag of España
España
North America
flag of US (English)
US (English)
flag of Canada
Canada
flag of México
México
Australasia
flag of Australia
Australia
flag of New Zealand
New Zealand
  • Phones
  • Computing
  • TVs
  • AI
  • Streaming
  • Health
  • Audio
  • VPN
  • More
    • Cameras
    • Home
    • News
    • Reviews
    • Opinion
    • How to
    • Versus
    • Deals
    • Coupons
    • Best
Tech Radar Pro
Tech Radar Gaming
Trending
  • Amazon Prime Day
  • Back to school
  • Nintendo Switch 2
  • Best VPN
  • ChatGPT
  • NYT Wordle today
  • Best laptop
  • Best web hosting
Recommended reading
Prime Day 2022
Seasonal Sales Prime Day now lasts four days – here are my 6 tips to grab the biggest bargains
Amazon Prime Day deals 2025
Seasonal Sales I shop Amazon for a living (yes, really) – here are 37 early Prime Day deals that I'd buy now before the sale starts
Amazon Prime Day deals 2025
Seasonal Sales I've been shopping Amazon's early Prime Day sale for weeks - here are the 37 best deals worth buying
Collage of tech on sale in the 4th of July sales
Seasonal Sales Massive early Prime Day and 4th of July sales are live: here are the 90+ best deals worth buying today
A screenshot from the game Death Stranding 2: On the Beach
Gaming Death Stranding 2 tips and tricks: what I recommend you do to avoid failure after my nearly 50 hours in the game
resident evil village lady dimitrescu
Playstation The latest PlayStation Store sale is here, and with big discounts on everything from Resident Evil Village to Disco Elysium, these are the deals in my basket
Secretlab Magnus Pro
Pro Don't buy a standing desk yet - I'm an office furniture pro and these are the 7 specs I always check first
  1. Seasonal Sales

8 things you must do if you want to survive Black Friday

News
By Mr Biffo last updated 12 November 2019

Make a list, check it twice and hire some thugs

When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. Here’s how it works.

Introduction

Introduction

What you are about to read has been written by Mr Biffo, the creative force behind the 90s Teletext videogames magazine Digitiser. He now runs the show at digitiser2000.com

As the world is gripped by war and terrorism, the West has but one thing on its mind: bargains!

Black Friday might've once been an American tradition, but the rest of the allegedly civilised world is at last waking up to the idea of having one day a year where we can numb ourselves against the awfulness of life by snapping up great deals.

Just like former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer back in 1986, you too can learn the art of spotting a mega-deal. Here's everything you need to know before heading out on Black Friday.

Page 1 of 9
Page 1 of 9
1. PACK YOUR BLACK FRIDAY SURVIVAL KIT

1. PACK YOUR BLACK FRIDAY SURVIVAL KIT

You're never going to get through Black Friday unless you remember the Fifteen P's: Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Prepation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation and Pre-Paration.

The more prepared you are going in, the better the chance of getting those sweet bargains. Pack a rucksack with everything you might need: a shovel so that you can dig deep into those bargain bins; a Pip Boy; an electric cattle prod and/or flanged mace to take down anybody who stands in your way; and enough warming broth to last the full duration of your Black Friday experience.

If you don't have broth to hand, just use regular soup and thicken it up with your own spume.

Page 2 of 9
Page 2 of 9
2. SAY A PRAYER AND MAKE A SACRIFICE

2. SAY A PRAYER AND MAKE A SACRIFICE

It is considered tradition to offer a sacrifice to the God of Black Friday – Bargainus the Black – by destroying all the goods you intend to replace in the sales.

Smash them to tiny pieces while reciting the Black Friday Prayer: "It's Black Friday, Black Friday, Gotta get down on Black Friday, Yesterday was Brown Thursday, Today i-is Black Friday, We we we so excited, We gonna have a ball today, Amen".

Page 3 of 9
Page 3 of 9
3. GET IN LINE EARLY

3. GET IN LINE EARLY

The earlier you line up for the bargains the better. If at all possible, start lining up a decade or two before the store opens. Better still, if you really want to get the jump on your fellow bargain-hunters, start lining up before the store has even been built.

If you think this might be excessive, just remember the sorts of awesome future tech you'll be able to buy at a reduced price in 20 years! Plus, if you bank your income, the interest you'll accrue while waiting in line will ensure that you'll be able to afford even more bargains! Bargain!

**Mandatory disclaimer: Apple is not officially participating in Black Friday.

Page 4 of 9
Page 4 of 9
4. HIRE SOME FELLOW BARGAIN HUNTERS

4. HIRE SOME FELLOW BARGAIN HUNTERS

Maximise your changes of getting the bargains you want by recruiting an army of bargain hunters. Place your squad in line outside different branches of the store which has the best deals.

BF TIP: Transients and people who are desperate to be liked will work for virtually nothing, and providing you confiscate all their shoes – and refuse to return them unless they acquire the bargains you desire – you'll be able to make them do whatever you need, probably.

Page 5 of 9
Page 5 of 9
5. MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE BARGAINS

5. MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE BARGAINS

Don't head into Black Friday without an idea of what you want to get out of it. Do your research beforehand, and storm into the store with a clear idea of which bargains you're going for.

Bear in mind that things can get pretty rough in the bargain-hunting throng, so you might wish to prepare a more robust list. Think about getting it tattooed on your thigh, or laser-etched onto a sheet of tungsten. The last thing you need when in the midst of a Black Friday scrum is being left adrift without a list.

Page 6 of 9
Page 6 of 9
6. MAKE FRIENDS

6. MAKE FRIENDS

Let's face it, you and your fellow bargain-hunters are all there for the same thing: bargains. This makes it easy to strike up conversation – good opening lines include "So, I guess you're here for the bargains then", "I bet you really like bargains", and "Do you know any good anagrams of the word 'bargains'?".

Best of all, once you've got their confidence, and built trust, they are less likely to see it coming when you stab them in the back. Take that as literally as you wish.

Page 7 of 9
Page 7 of 9
7. WHEN THE STORE OPENS - RUN

7. WHEN THE STORE OPENS - RUN

The second that store opens, check your civility at the door. Black Friday is all about survival of the fittest. Do you think our cavemen ancestors were nice to one another when they were jostling for the best mammoths on the tundra?

You need to tap into your primal instincts to get those bargains – even if it means bludgeoning your fellow bargain-hunters with a sabre-tooth tiger's jawbone, or swinging from light fittings.

Page 8 of 9
Page 8 of 9
8. START QUEUING FOR NEXT YEAR

8. START QUEUING FOR NEXT YEAR

You made it out alive! You got the bargains you came for! Now it's time to do it all over again. You can't rest on your laurels, and relax: if you don't start lining up now for next year's bargains, somebody else is going to beat you to it.

Quickly now – that guy looks like he might be thinking about getting in line!

Page 9 of 9
Page 9 of 9
Mr Biffo
Read more
Prime Day 2022
Prime Day now lasts four days – here are my 6 tips to grab the biggest bargains
Amazon Prime Day deals 2025
I shop Amazon for a living (yes, really) – here are 37 early Prime Day deals that I'd buy now before the sale starts
Amazon Prime Day deals 2025
I've been shopping Amazon's early Prime Day sale for weeks - here are the 37 best deals worth buying
Collage of tech on sale in the 4th of July sales
Massive early Prime Day and 4th of July sales are live: here are the 90+ best deals worth buying today
A screenshot from the game Death Stranding 2: On the Beach
Death Stranding 2 tips and tricks: what I recommend you do to avoid failure after my nearly 50 hours in the game
resident evil village lady dimitrescu
The latest PlayStation Store sale is here, and with big discounts on everything from Resident Evil Village to Disco Elysium, these are the deals in my basket
Latest in Seasonal Sales
Samsung QN90D deal banner on blue
The Samsung QN90D is our top TV for sports – and it has a big discount in Best Buy's 4th of July sale
The SteelSeries Arctis Pro Wireless Gaming Headset in front of a red background featuring the text 'Big savings'.
Total game changer – the massive discount on this PC and PS5 pro headset makes it the early Prime Day deal I’d pick for gaming
1More Sonoflow Pro HQ51 on a red background, with the words 'TechRaddar: Price Cut' positioned to the left of the headphones
My favorite cheap headphones are available for less than $60 – thanks to this early Prime Day deal
Nespresso Vertuo Pop+ coffee maker on gold background with white text reading 'TechRadar don't miss'
This limited-edition Nespresso machine is totally adorable, and it's received an epic price cut ahead of Amazon Prime Day
Amazon Prime Day tech deals 2025
I'm a Prime Day expert - here are the 29 best tech gadgets that I recommend buying right now
Amazon deals 2023
The best early Prime Day deal? A free 6-month Amazon Prime membership for students
Latest in News
The Xbox Series X Digital next to the new Dyson Airwrap and Nothing Headphone (1)
ICYMI: the week's 7 biggest tech stories from Spotify's suspected AI band to Nothing's first over-ear headphones
AMD RX 9070 GPU models
AMD's new GPUs could be a flop – and while that's good news for Nvidia, I'm worried for gamers
Tom Holland's Peter Parker stares into the camera in Spider-Man: No Way Home
Spider-Man: Brand New Day will start filming in August, and I'm desperate to have some of my biggest questions answered about the Marvel movie
Android apps
Android 16’s answer to iOS Live Activities is coming soon – here are the apps it’ll support, including Google Maps
Alibaba logo
Alibaba and Wix join forces, promise great things for SMBs
mazon logo on the facade of one of their corporate office buildings located in Silicon Valley, San Francisco bay area
Hunting for early Prime Day deals? Beware, scammers have set up thousands of fake Amazon sites - here's what to look out for
LATEST ARTICLES
  1. 1
    Making every second count - how Oracle is keeping Red Bull Racing at the top of the Formula 1 game
  2. 2
    I'm a Prime Day expert - here are the 29 best tech gadgets that I recommend buying right now
  3. 3
    This is the main reason TechRadar readers use VPNs - and no, it isn't streaming
  4. 4
    ICYMI: the week's 7 biggest tech stories from Spotify's suspected AI band to Nothing's first over-ear headphones
  5. 5
    The must-have app for your summer holiday costs less than you think

TechRadar is part of Future US Inc, an international media group and leading digital publisher. Visit our corporate site.

  • About Us
  • Contact Future's experts
  • Contact Us
  • Terms and conditions
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies policy
  • Advertise with us
  • Web notifications
  • Accessibility Statement
  • Careers

© Future US, Inc. Full 7th Floor, 130 West 42nd Street, New York, NY 10036.

Please login or signup to comment

Please wait...