It's that time of the week again. You know, the time of the week when a column that was meant to be published on Friday was accidentally missed and arrived on the following Wednesday.
We can't tell you what happened for legal reasons. Let's just say that a certain unicorn was [Snip! Ed] and then the owl said [Snip!] and then they both [Snip! Snip! Snip! COME ON! Snip!].
Also: We're 7 days in Phones and We Do What We Want, We Do What We Waaaaaaant! We're 7 Days in Phones and We Do What We Waaaaaant!
Huawei goes supersized with its new P8 Max
Is that a whopping great big phone in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? If it's the latter then you really should go to a hospital, genitalia should not be that shape. But I am still flattered. If it's the former, then you're probably using the Huawei P8 Max.
The absolutely huge smartphone was launched this [last] week alongside it's smaller (and by smaller I mean reasonably sized) brother, the Huawei P8. Not many smartphones would make the 6-inch Nexus 6 feel puny, but the P8 Max dwarfs even that, coming with a 6.8-inch full HD display.
Though we might detest the phrase "phablet", it at least does a good job of describing large handsets that bridge the gap between phones and tablets. At almost 7-inches, however, the Huawei P8 Max is pretty much just a straightforward tablet – though one you can make phone calls with.
So how big is too big? I've been waddling around with the Nexus 6 jammed into my pocket, and although at first I thought I'd hate the size, I've come to love it – as long as I don't try bending over or sitting down with it jutting out of a denim orifice.
I think I'd still baulk at a phone that I had to carry around in a separate bag, however. Paired up with a decent smartwatch that means I don't have to drag it out so often, and leaving it for when I want to browse the internet could make sense – though why not just get a cheaper tablet in that case?
Are you sitting down? We have some news that might shock you: playing a game solidly every day for 6 to 8 weeks isn't the most healthy thing to do. As a sober reminder for us all about the dangers of doing really stupid things, a 29-year-old man from Virginia managed to rupture a tendon in his left thumb from constantly playing Candy Crush.
He needed surgery after experiencing chronic pain – though apparently he was so engrossed in the game that he didn't notice the pain while playing.
According to the man – who for some mysterious reason didn't want to be named – he wasn't even addicted to the game. Not to pour scorn on this poor young man, but if you play a game so much that you need to go to hospital and have an operation, then you know, you might be a little bit addicted.
Winston was lost and scared. Suddenly, the Marmoset appeared.
"You will now meet...THE COUNCIL" he squeaked.
"Yes. THE COUNCIL."
"Who are they?"
Winston, dazed and malnourished, followed on the ground behind the enigmatic marmoset as it leapt from branch to branch through the forest. Each heavy clomp of his hoofs shot pain through his legs, reminding Winston of his recent disagreement with gravity and rapid acquaintance with the bottom of a ditch.
There was no time to stop and lick his wounds, even though Winston really wanted to as the ditch had been filled with discarded Marmite jars, and his bashed knees were covered in sticky vegetable and yeast extract.
He hobbled on, trying to ignore the information that was filling his vision.
:>WARNING: INJURIES DETECTED
:>KNEE STRUCTURE: WOBBLY
:>PRIDE CAPACITY: DAMAGED
:>VEGETABLE YEAST EXTRACT CONSISTENCY: STICKY
Winston could take no more. "Hold up!" he hollered towards the tree tops. "Please can we rest for a moment?". The marmoset paused and scowled down through the branches.
"No!" the small furry creature replied.
"Are you annoyed that you were described as a small rodent last week?" Winston enquired.
"Well, yes that did hurt actually."
"Fine. Apology accepted. But we can't stop now, THE COUNCIL is waiting." With that the small definitely-not-a-rodent sprang away.
Though weak, Winston trotted on. Eventually the pair came to a clearing in the dense forest. The marmoset turned, with wide eyes and wonder, towards the bemused unicorn.
"We are here" he whispered in quiet awe. "The Council of the Forgotten Handsets awaits."
Oh, and also Hootie the owl was there, but no one cared because he's an idiot.
Normal reality is rubbish, as this video of Samsung's unveiling of GearVR shows. Reality involves three people standing awkwardly on stage. One 'highlight' is Rachel Riley from Countdown running around confused on stage.
But virtual reality? Virtual reality is much better, as CTO at Oculus John Carmack tries to explain. This video is a great example of how to make a potentially very exciting bit of gear sound extremely boring. Good work!
Strange press shot of the week
Nothing says "this is a great pair of headphones" like a man dressed up as said earphones, giving a "romantic" bath to a giant ear.
He's got the candles, he's got the sensual body lotion. He's even trying to create a fancy jacuzzi effect by blowing bubbles into the bath using a big straw.
But look at his eyes. He can't even bring himself to stare at the giant grotesque ear that he's supposed to be bathing. He's repulsed. Ashamed. And as he kneels, wheezing what little air his lungs can muster into a plastic pipe in a desperate bid to create a spa effect for a huge fleshy lug hole, a single devastating thought plays across his mind: "what am I doing with my life?"
Retro video of the week
Don't you just hate it when you're trying to meet your wife and kid for a boat ride, but you don't know where they are? This video for Centel is from 1989, though you can probably tell from the cheesy musak.
This gripping tale shows a man unable to navigate through fields of sheep and slightly deep puddles, phoning his wife/mistress for directions. Sadly he is too late, as his lover and kid have arbitrarily set a deadline for setting sail for some reason, leaving him on shore.
But wait! Maybe he can use one of these newfangled "cell phones" to call his other half and get her to turn the boat around! Will it work? Watch the video to find out.
Proper bits from the site
Apple has admitted that Apple Watch won't be available in stores until June.
LG has designed a bendable smartphone that you can wear on your wrist.
Good news for forgetful people – Google has made it even easier to locate your lost phone.