Good morrow, weary traveller. You've come from far and wide in search of the best smartphone round up, and sadly, you have failed to find it.
This will have to do.
Bewildered by batteries
Oh, those clever scientists. We've all lamented the lack of a decent smartphone battery for years, but some intelligent bods in the US have worked out a way to use aluminium-ion power packs, combined with graphite cathodes, to charge a smartphone in a minute.
Imagine that: being able to just plug in, go make a cup of tea, and before it's even finished be back to full juice. And guess what's better? These things are flexible, so can be used to power fully bendable devices! 'TIS TRULY THE FUTURE, PEOPLE!
Except, well, they don't actually function as batteries yet. They still need a lot of development. Which is massively frustrating as I've been here so many times before, witnessing the possibilities of the future before finding out it will be years and years before it arrives in our hands.
What we need isn't better and clever battery tech - it's more efficient processors. Better development of the technology we have in batteries now, and manufacturers to stop trying to make phones ever thinner with hyper high-res screens when we don't need them. Then we can all get the battery life we all crave.
HTC gives China the best toys
And a quick plea to HTC: PLEASE CAN WE HAVE THE GOOD PHONE? The HTC One M9+ has launched for China only, but comes with a massive QHD screen, high power Duo Camera and 480fps super slow motion camera.
I know this is slightly hypocritical given I've just said we don't need all the cutting edge technology when it saps power, but there's something that irks when a flagship phone like the One M9 goes on sale, then a much better option lands in China… and it will never see Western shores.
It had been three days now, and without any food Winston was starting to worry. Stumbling away from the built up metropolis he found himself on the outskirts of a vast forest.
"There's something familiar about this…" he thought, before nearly being knocked to the ground by a massive owl.
"HOW DARE YOU RETURN!" screamed the feathered assailant, landing awkwardly on a nearby branch. "You left us. You left this place. We were alone with nothing to help us."
Winston felt confused. He felt like this owl was familiar, and yet he didn't know why. Like a nasty dream that dredged up during the day while making lunch. Then suddenly his vision was filled with all manner of information.
:>IDENTIFIED: HOOTIE THE OWL.
:>RELATIONSHIP: MASSIVE PAIN THE ASS
:>ACTION: TELL HIM TO **** OFF
Winston staggered back, his head spinning from this sudden information dump. He ran into the woods, each tree looking more familiar, every branch a spindly set of fingers trying to reach into his memory. Then his world began to spin - literally, as he fell down a ditch.
Winston lay at the bottom, a small readout telling him that he had superficial damage to quadrants 3 to 7. He let his head fall back, panting, before something caught his eye. Buried underneath a pile of leaves was a small dusty grey object.
Was… was that an HTC HD2?
"Welcome back, young warrior," said a voice to his right. He turned to look, seeing a small marmoset with a hood. "Many of us believed you would return, and the Book of Palms said you would be enhanced.
"It will please the council that it was right," said the small rodent with a smirk. "Come now, we are sure you have many questions. Your training awaits."
Peter Chou and the HTC rock song
It would be easy to label this video as another example of a company getting too over excited and trying to be rock stars because they made a shiny thing.
And, to a degree, there is a modicum of wanting to hide behind your fingers and peep out at this, as the guys on stage (including now-ex-CEO Peter Chou and new CEO Cher Wang, along with other key members of the HTC team) are obviously not natural musicians.
I really can't get the chorus out of my head. *holds up lighter*
Press shot of the week
Let's break this press shot for the LG Ice Cream down critically.
More than one model to display a sense that loads of people want this phone? Yep.
Do they look like they're forced to be there? Actually, no. The eyes show a little bit of life behind them. The woman on the left is smiling like she's just remembered she packed an amazing lunch today, while the one on the right is giving it the full smiling guns as she's on a first written warning for skipping work last week to tend to her cabbage patch.
Are they wearing attire appropriate to the launch? Yes. Furry hats and ear muffs say 'brrrrr, we're cold. Because of all the Ice Cream that's going on around us. LG Ice Cream!'
Even though it's clearly boiling in that cafe.
A smattering of props that overtly tell the viewer what LG is up to? Yep. There's an ice cream cone, impressively double-stacked, and a plate of scoops for those that don't like to eat the wafer.
Points lost for a lack of flake though.
Retro video of the week
THIS VIDEO IS TOO SHORT. I genuinely want to hear that song re-done as a proper jungle / drum 'n' bass track. The dancing ladies are optional.
Also, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say anything as panicked as 'Keanu! Call me, call me on my mobile!'
Proper stuff from the site
LG's about to launch the G4 – it might as well not bother with an event though, given we've seen the camera, the software and the screen already.
What happens when we give an iPhone fan a BlackBerry for two weeks?
Who WOULDN'T want to eat a fancy pizza every day for 6 years instead of owning an Apple Watch?
Wi-Fi calling might sound boring, but it's on your iPhone now – and it's awesome.