18.12 Talking up new ringtones. "You might not be able to answer because you're dancing". Comedy gold. This guy's hair seems to be a running joke with the audience. He's got them dangling off his comedy lines.
18.11 JOKES IN THE SEARCH BAR. A lot of people chuckled. We cannot confirm if said chuckles were hearty or awkward.
18.09 Showing off iOS 7 again. If you've seen this, pop off and make a drink. Apple is just pretending this is all new. 'Precisely chosen colour palette' was just mentioned. Good band name that. Bet it's Jony Ive's band.
18.08 Next month 700 millionth iOS device is shipping. iOS 7 being chatted about now, calling iOS 7 the world's most popular OS. Stunning, packed, invited, a man in a blue shirt. We're summarising what we're hearing and seeing.
18.06 Talking retail now. A new Apple store in California. Glass on three sides and eight times larger than the original store. Big applause already. These people are going to lose their mind if an iPhone drops.
18.05 Video time. A lot of fast moving people are putting together a concert. We hope Apple isn't stalling for time... perhaps the iPhones are stuck in customs.
18.02 Talking up London as a great place to see music. Apparently 20 million people applied for iTunes Festival tickets. 'Like a product launch', says Cook. Or a free concert with worldwide megastars. Weird that.
18.01 Cook is on stage! He's talking about exciting things! iTunes Festival! Wait... that's not an iPhone.
17.56 Have a view of our current view. It's pretty hard to glean anything from it. Unless Apple is going to re-launch its own logo.
17.53 Some soft electro rock just started. Apple is combining the genres here. WHAT COULD THAT MEAN? (nothing).
17.52 There's still an imbalance towards Apple launches from the world - no matter how many other brands launch new phones, this is the one that people, especially those who usually can't be bothered with 'that technology thing', get intrigued by.
17.49 The mood is eerily quiet here. You can't even hear any typing because there are so many iPads in the room. It's essentially a collection of dull thumping, like a distant Riverdance.
17.42 Current chat among the tech journalists here is about fingerprint tech - is it going to figure on the iPhone 5S? "I hate putting in my PIN," said one voice. Before not even having a PIN on his iPhone.
That's how much he wants fingerprint scanning, people.
17.39 OK, first post of the evening... It's a lovely and intimate affair here in Berlin. It's almost impossible to not be just a smidge excited by a new phone launch.
As we wait for the event to kick off, here's what you can expect from Apple today:
In a matter of hours, Apple CEO Tim Cook will take to the stage and months of rumour, speculation and basically just having a stab in the dark will come to a head: the iPhone 5S will be official.
But that's not all! We're expecting a host of announcements from Cupertino later today, and we'll be covering them all in real time both here on the site and over on Twitter.
Join us right here from 10 am PT / 6 pm BST / 7 pm Berlin time / 4 am Wed AEST for all the Apple-flavoured fun, where we'll be dissecting what Big Cook will be talking about, whether fingerprint tech will be popping up, whether a new cheaper iPhone will be coming and other general frippery.
You can even come a bit earlier and witness as TechRadar attempts to defy the Wi-Fi gods in Apple's fancy new Berlin store to bring your some pre-game action.
Ready for new iPhones? We are.
iPhone 5S
The big daddy. The new iPhone. Or the only-slightly-different-to-the-old-iPhone if the details we've seen in the most recent rumours turn out to be true.
Expect a souped-up camera, a better processor and iOS 7 on board.
- Follow all the iPhone 5S action here
iPhone 5C
With a simultaneous official event taking place in Beijing and the spotty dotty rainbow of an invite to boot, we won't be at all surprised if Tim Cook's first "One More Thing" moment turns out to be a cheap iPhone.
We've seen cases, components and pics galore - but we're still not really sure what the thing will be called. So that's exciting.
- Here's where you need to point your browser for all the iPhone 5C news as it breaks
An iOS 7 release date
The iOS 7 software went out to developers in beta form back in June - if Apple doesn't announce an imminent release of the OS to iPhones, iPads and iPod Touches today, we'll eat our collective hat.
- All things iOS 7 will be covered off here
An iTunes Radio release date
We don't expect any countries other than the US to get an iTunes Radio release date today, but the North Americans among us should find out when the Apple-flavoured music streaming service will be hitting your devices.
- Tune in here for the big iTunes Radio news
An OS X Mavericks release date
The new version of OS X was announced back at WWDC 2013 and has been in developer preview ever since.
Will Apple today tell us when we'll see the OS X Mavericks software hit Macs the world over? Here's hoping. Anything to get us out of Mavericks and into something with a better name is all right by us.
- Here's everything you need to know about OS X 10.9 Mavericks
A wildcard One More Thing?
What if the One More Thing isn't an iPhone 5C? This time last year, Apple knocked us all for six when it announced the iPad 4 alongside the iPad mini. Perhaps we're in for something a little more surprising this year - an iWatch? An iTV? The new Mac Pro?
One thing's for sure: with Apple, you can never be sure of anything.
