The world of smartphone and tablet apps is a world of delights. There are applications that turn your device into a beautiful musical instrument, a living book or a productivity powerhouse, and there are apps that enable you to tell everyone on Facebook about the last time you pooped.
We're interested in the latter kind: not the must-haves, but the who-needs: the log-loggers and the cats in rice and the everyday apps that come with an added pirate dimension.
Never mind "there's an app for that". These apps will have you saying "there's an app for that?"
1 Snapcat
Available on Android
Social media consists largely of selfies and cats, so it was inevitable that some bright spark would combine the two. Snapcat says that it is "the very first social photo sharing app just for cats.
Made by cats" and at least half of that claim is true: it enables cats to take selfies by presenting them with an irresistible dot. Once the cat taps the dot the front-facing camera fires, and you can share the result on Facebook and Twitter.
2 Shadow
Soon to be available on iOS, Android, Windows Phone
It isn't out yet - it's currently in Kickstarter fundraising mode - but when Shadow launches it's going to end up with an awful lot of odd information.
The goal is to gather details of people's dreams, enabling the user to see what patterns emerge from their psyches, and although it's off by default users will be able to share their dream records with others - because there's nothing more interesting than someone saying "hey! I had the most amazing dream last night!"
3 Ghost Detector
Available on Android
Ghost Detector is a BEEP BEEP OH MY GOD OH MY GOD NO NO NO NOOOOO only kidding. It shows a radar, and if there's a ghost nearby that radar will show a picture of the ghost and enable the ghost to talk to you.
Reviews suggest it's not entirely reliable - one user tried it in a graveyard and found no ghosts whatsoever - and we're not convinced that "ghosts try to control your devices [sic] magnetic and microphone sensor" either.
4 Melon Meter
Available on iOS
We've all been there. The supermarket shelves are sagging under the weight of lovely, lovely melons - but how can you tell which one will deliver the most delicious food joy?
Thanks to Melon Meter, you no longer have to guess: simply launc the app, put your phone on the melon and give the fruit a good thump. The app analyses the sound and looks for what the developers call a "decay signature"; apparently ripe melons sound different to unripe ones.
5 Death App
Available through the web
You're in a beautiful place - but is it a deadly place too? The answer is probably no, but if you've ever wanted to know just how many people have died in the nearby area then Death App will tell you in statistical form - broken down into murders and car deaths - and show you on a map.
If you're in London you might be better off pointing your browser at the depressing London Murder Map.
6 Bowel Mover and PoopLog
Available on iOS and Android
There are sensible applications for an app that can track your bowel movements - it's helpful for people suffering from bowel disorders who are trying to identify the causes - but Bowel Mover and PoopLog also enable you to share your data with the wider world, on Twitter in the former and on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, SMS and email in the latter.
One unidentified user is "upset I can't share my PoopLog on Facebook". We're sure his or her friends aren't.
7 Sushi Cats
Available on Android and iOS
There's no need to call PETA: the cats used in the Neko Zushi (Sushi Cat) meme were photographed and filmed under the guidance of professional animal handlers. As the name suggests, Sushi Cats (available on Android and iOS) are cats made into sushi: placed on rice, wrapped in seafood and given a range of tasty additions including spring onions and green beans.
The app includes an incomprehensible video and a gallery of Sushi Cats that delivers literally seconds of high quality feline-food-related fun.
8 Carrr Matey
Available on Android and iOS
We can't beat the developers' own description: "Carrr Matey is a quick, easy to use parking application with a mild pirate theme." Simply record where you park - sorry, "drop anchor" - and when it's time to return to your car - sorry, "vessel" - you can see where you are and where you need to go on the handy pirate-themed map.
There's also a compass view for areas that Google hasn't treasure mapped and a Harbour Mode for multi-storey, er, harbours.
9 TapThat
Available on Android
TapThat enables two consenting Android phones to have sex. Your phone could choose to be a topless lady and the other Homer Simpson; bring them together via the magic of NFC, achieve orgasm and nine months later your Samsung Galaxy S4 will be the proud parent of a Samsung Galaxy Mini. Or something.
TapThat does have a genuine use, however: anyone who finds it hilarious - or worse, sexy - probably isn't going to be the greatest sexual partner you'll ever have.
- Got an iPhone 5S? Then check out these supercharging apps.
