29 tech phrases you should be punched in the face for using

Things better left unsaid

We're told that if you give a million monkeys a million typewriters, they'd create the works of Shakespeare - but what would you end up with if you threw a million typewriters at a monkey?

The internet shows us the answer: perfectly good phrases are replaced with rubbish, grown-ups talk like toddlers, and business bullshit is everywhere.

In an ideal world, anybody using these expressions would be punched in the face by their PC; for now, we'll have to make do with mocking them instead.

1, 2 and 3. Tweeted, Tweetup and Tweeple
What are you, four? The only person in the entire universe who can get away with this is Stephen Fry. Everyone else deserves to be pelted with bricks.

4. Any -sphere
Twittersphere, blogosphere... what's wrong with saying "everybody"?

5. M$ (and Micro$oft, MicroShaft, Windoze...)
How to lose an online argument in one simple step: use M$ when you mean Microsoft.

6. Sheeple
One of the smuggest, most annoying words that's ever appeared online, sheeple is used patronisingly by the same people who think it's clever to write M$, Micro$oft, Windoze or MicroShaft. It isn't.

7. Crowdsourcing
"Why don't we crowdsource it?" Or just ask people. Same thing. Much less annoying.

8. I can haz
This is only ever acceptable if you're a kitten, or a walrus.

9. n00b and all other forms of l33t speak
Used to be funny. Isn't any more.

10, 11 and 12. teh intarwebs, t'interweb and t'internet
Some people say these terms are okay if you're using them for comic effect. Those people are wrong.

13. pwned
The older you are the, the more embarrassing this one is. Look! Granddad's dancing to grime!

14. Sent from my iPhone
You can change this, you know. And you should. Now. Now. DO IT NOW.

15. Writing IN CAPITALS
This is only acceptable when you're writing the fourteenth item in a list.

16, 17 and 18. Facebook Me, Friend Me or Tweet Me
Yeah! And we'll do some blue sky thinking out of the box and run it up the flagpole!

19. Rig
Is your PC in the sea, drilling for oil? No? Then it is not a rig. It's a PC.

20. Gratuitous LOLs
LOL is bad enough - more often than not you did not laugh out loud, so why say you did? - but when you lol start putting lol in the middle of sentences lol for no lol good reason it makes everyone think you're a bit thick. LOL.

21. Ping
You'll just "ping Dave", will you? How very hip, modern and happening you are.

22. "I don't have the bandwidth for this right now"
"I am busy" is quicker to type and to say. And it won't make people hate you.

23 and 24. Webinar and Webisode
That's "seminar" and "episode". We don't talk about "hotelinars" or "tellysodes", do we?

25. Eat our own dog food
What's wrong with "practice what you preach"? Eating your own dog food is just horrible, even if - especially if - you're in the dog food business.

26. Anything 2.0
Version 2.0 is fine if you're talking about software or a reasonably good Garbage album. Sticking the 2.0 suffix on anything else is just pretentious and, dare we say, passé.

27. Citizen anything
It's not meant as an insult, we know, but whenever we see the word citizen stuck in front of something it makes us think of somebody patronising a little person. "Oh, you're a citizen journalist, are you? How clever you are! Here's a biscuit!"

28. Ppl, srsly and other semi-literate abbreviations
They don't save any time and they're harder to read. Unless you're trying to cram an entire novel into a single SMS, what's the point of using them?

29. Reboot
Are you talking about rebooting a computer? Fine. Are you talking about rebooting something that isn't a computer, such as a movie franchise, or a meeting, or America? That's crazy talk!