Please Apple, let me buy an iPhone so I can hate myself

An iPhone a day - it's impossible

For those who don't "get" the whole concept of being a tech addict, the thought of queuing up outside an Apple store on launch day is alien.

I get that. I don't understand why people queue up for the January sales. They're crazy. Total oddballs!

But I can't quite apply that logic to my own behaviour. And so, on a rather chilly morning in late September 2013, I found myself standing in the middle of Cambridge, having gotten up at the kind of time that would make reasonable people wince, just to buy an iPhone 5S.

I was in the city the night before for work - and being from the big smoke, I did that whole London thing of thinking I'd be stealing the march by getting my iPhone from a smaller city.

"No-one's gonna queue in Cambridge! They're all either in bed (students) or in work (rich folk)," I laughed to myself.

I'm not laughing now. And yet I can't stop wanting one.

It just doesn't work

6am, I arrived. Two hours prior to opening. That is late, late, LATE by Apple launch standards. I was practically being chased along by a white rabbit in a dinner jacket, waving a stopwatch.

And what a waste of time it was. More than 1,500 people stood outside chatting - and 1,400 of them were turned away at 8am because stock was sold out.

I didn't get it. In fact, I don't get several things.

Firstly, what is Apple playing at? How can you globally launch a product with such a rubbish amount of stock? There is NO justification. The company was not ready for the launch. Pure and iSimple.

But the other thing I don't get is my own behaviour. My own determination to get one. That need, that hunger.

Soft launch

The launch wasn't that spectacular. I've spent the last week waving my Galaxy S4 around, telling iSheep to just bore off. But the sad fact is, I really want a 5S. I've not been true to myself. I'm a fraud.

The sad thing is, I don't know why. I mean, it's not as if the iPhone 5S is ultra amazing. It has a smaller screen than my S4, and though the processor may be enough to power a hydraulic dam, do we really need one that powerful in a phone?

I suppose there is the fingerprint scanner. Actually, that bit is cool. Really cool. I'm gonna be wearing that out from day one! When I get my hands on the flaming thing.

Apple has a mean marketing machine. The worrying thing is that I know I've been brainwashed. Even going into a shop and playing with one after the launch, mentally torturing my empty hand, I was lusting. It's the capability of genius - make that desire come alive.

I wouldn't mind but I love Android. I love its openness, its customisation abilities and all the rest of it. Sometimes, it can be a little rough around the edges and I hate the adverts you are stuck with on some apps, but it's a trade off.

Yet all I can think of now is getting my face firmly nestled once again in Mother Apple's warm eco-bosom. And I dread to think when that's going to happen.

So far, I've looked at eBay (what do you mean "wait 10 days?" That just isn't an option!) and the one I want (Gold 64GB) is going for around £1,400. It's the old story of supply and demand. And the fact is that loads of these beauties went to people who queued up for hours, days even, not because they wanted one but because they wanted to sell them for a profit to mugs like me.

It'll probably be months before I get one. But that hasn't diminished my lust for an iPhone 5S. I still long for the days when I can finger the Touch ID sensor, pressing down to enter. And every time I do, the Android-lover in me will shudder.

But I can't help it. Damn you, Apple.

I've reviewed dozens of phones and tablets for TechRadar over the years – each time putting them through their paces in the most unbiased, rigorous way possible.

But as well as being a professional, I have a love/hate relationship with tech, and that's what these columns are all about: the passionate howlings of a true fanboy. Tell me why I'm right, wrong or a hopeless idiot in the comments below or by tweeting @techradar or @phillavelle.