What a week. We've seen FIFA brought down by a Santa lookalike, lost one of the few UK politicians that everybody liked, and in Caitlyn Jenner we've found a member of the Kardashian clan who's even more talked about than Kim and Kanye. And big things are happening in tech too: Microsoft and Apple are gearing up for big product launches, our favourite game franchise is back with a bang, and Lego promises not to show you any penises.
For the Win(dows)
Windows 10, Windows 10, July 29, you'll get it then. Pardon the pathetic poetry, but we're starting to get pretty excited about next month's Windows 10 release: as Dan Grabham's ongoing review says, it's the new Windows 7. Not only that, but it's bringing us all kinds of interesting new PCs, including one that's as small as a phone charger and 100% real. There's a new XPS 15 coming from Dell too, which is good news for anybody who lusted over the excellent XPS 13 but needs something a little bigger. The Windows wagon is really starting to roll now, so expect lots more announcements in the coming weeks.
What's Korean and rubbish at keeping secrets? That's right: Samsung. Thanks to some special tech maths, Matt Swider has discovered the supposedly secret launch date of the Galaxy Note 5: "If A = B and B = C, then the Galaxy Note 5 and Samsung Pay are both due for an unveiling in September." That's science! Here's what we want to see from the phablet flagship, but in the meantime there's another Sammy to get excited about: the Galaxy S6 Active. Details of that have leaked too, and it's pretty much what we expected: a ruggedised Galaxy S6 that won't explode if you splash it.
All out for Fallout 4
Clear the diary and stock up on snacks: Fallout 4's coming. The official trailer is a lot more interesting than we were expecting, and it's given us some tantalising insights into the game's setting and time period. As Hugh Langley and Cameron Faulkner explain, the game appears to have everything: "Dogs! Zombies! Boston!"
No no no no, no no there's no limits
Remember 2 Unlimited? They might just have been singing about Steam's refund policy, which has no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no… we'll stop now. If you buy a game from Steam and think it's rubbish, then you'll be able to get your money back within the first two weeks unless you've played for more than two hours – although if you've played for longer Steam says you should request a refund anyway and "we'll take a look."
Home is where the hardware is
HomeKit is Apple's platform for home automation, and the first devices are now on sale. Elgato's Eve sensors will be coming to the UK in July, and unlike some HomeKit devices they'll communicate via Bluetooth LE rather than Wi-Fi to give your router a break. Elgato isn't the only firm embracing HomeKit, either: we've put together an exhaustive list of all the things that will work with HomeKit this year.
We know that the Apple TV is being repositioned as a HomeKit hub, but don't expect to see a new model at WWDC next week: it looks like the next generation isn't quite "ready for prime time". The problem appears to be with services rather than the hardware: Apple is trying to make deals with TV companies and the negotiations appear to be taking longer than anticipated. Still, we're sure Apple will have a few other things to talk about at WWDC 2015.
Thunderbolt is lightning, very very frightening
Intel has taken the wraps off Thunderbolt 3, the next generation of the super-fast data standard and the beginning of one-cable computing. It'll use the USB Type-C connector that Apple's just stuck into the new MacBook, and it'll deliver up to 40Gbps. That's twice as fast as the current standard and four times the top speed of USB 3.1. It can run two 4K displays simultaneously at 60Hz, deliver 100W in power, 15W per device over long distances, and it can kill a man with a single punch. We made that last bit up.
Building Luke's lightsaber
Roger Christian invented one of the most famous bits of movie tech, Luke Skywalker's lightsaber – and the legendary production designer is bringing his Empire Strikes Back-supporting short, Black Angel, to screens as a full-length movie. Patrick Goss sat down with Christian to talk Star Wars, crowdfunding and whether the brand new lightsaber in The Force Awakens has his seal of approval.
Why Lego doesn't have a penis problem
No, it's not because Lego people don't have genitals. The penis problem is what happens in online world-building apps: sooner or later, somebody uses the tools to make, well, a tool. That's why it's taken Lego so long to launch its Minecraft-style MMO: the company "wanted a creative building MMO with a promise of zero penises seen." Time for a song, we think. All together now: no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no there's no…