What you are about to read has been written by Mr Biffo, the creative force behind the 90s Teletext videogames magazine Digitiser. He now runs the show at digitiser2000.com.
What separates us from the apes? That's easy – game shows! There's nothing more gratifying than watching our fellow humans fumble their way through them while being intimidated by a live audience, blinded by searing studio lights, and patronised by an arrogant host.
But we're living in the future now, and game shows have existed in one form or another since the dawn of television – isn't it about time they were brought up to date? Here are 10 pitches for game shows which take our tech-obsessed society into account.
1. GPS, I LOVE YOU
In this whimsical dating show, contestants aim to get to know their satnavs better by going on dates with them. Will Jonty fall for Jill, his softly spoken Garmin 60LT, or are they destined hit a speed bump? Will Shawnee and Shaun, her hunky Irish Tom Tom One XL, reach their destination – Love City – before the bill arrives?
2. CONCEPT, CONCEPT
There's a brand new console coming out, and everyone's got their own idea of what it will look like. Concept, Concept is the game show that asks contestants to design what they think the new console will resemble, based upon the flimsiest of speculation. The contestant whose design is furthest away from the inevitable dull black box will win their weight in retweets!
3. DRILL OR NO DRILL?
Nobody likes going to the dentist… but what if your teeth contained tiny microchip encryption keys, that granted access to an abundant Swiss bank account? Drill or No Drill? is the game show that discovers how much painful dentistry a patient is willing to endure, for the promise of unlimited riches!
4. WHO WANTS TO BE A MACBOOK AIR?
Who indeed? With a prize pot in excess of $1 million, contestants are forced to demean themselves by performing their best impression of a MacBook Air. Let's hope they can do better than last year's contestant, Jonty, whose beachball-spinning skills took him all the way to the final – before being beaten at the final hurdle by Shawnee, who successfully caused herself to overheat while trying to run Team Fortress 2.
5. THE BLEAKEST LINK
Contestants are given just 30 seconds to find the bleakest link imaginable on seemingly innocuous subjects. Think it's not possible to get depressed by typing "cute kitten" into Google? Think again – this is the internet, and you're never more than two clicks away from misogyny and paranoia!
6. FIND THE REMOTE!
It's gone! The remote has gone, and Game of Thrones is about to start! Who had it last? Why can't you just put it back on my side of the sofa like we agreed? At least then we always know where it is. Why would you even need to take it over there?! Brace yourself for the most stressful show on TV.
7. APPLE STORE SWEEP
Every day is New Apple Product Launch Day on Apple Store Sweep – the game show that aims to separate the true Macheads from the idiots who forgot to pre-order! Brace yourself for scenes of smug tech junkies sauntering out of their store with their new beautifully shrinkwrapped Apple products, as their opponents argue with store staff about when they'll have new stock.
8. APPLE WATCH WITH MOTHER
Retired people get to spend a week with the Apple Watch, and are tasked with finding at least one good reason it exists. "So, it's like the thing out of Dick Tracy? What, you have to keep your phone in your pocket? What's the point of that then?". Indeed, mother. Indeed…
9. COME VINE WITH ME
Four contestants judge one another on the viral quality of each other's Vines. Will Jonty's clip of a pelican eating a balloon outperform Shawnee's hilarious sponsored make-up tutorial? Or will Samsung beat them both with its slick lifestyle video of a Galaxy S7 working out at Venice Beach?
10. SIRI REMOTE
Which way up is the Siri Remote? It's a simple enough question – but not as easy to answer as it sounds. Contestants embark upon a series of physical challenges, while attempting to navigate the new Apple TV using the Siri Remote; a dark slab of confusion that looks the same whether it's up or down.