"Mum! Mum! Guess what day it is!" Your mother reluctantly turns on the bedside lamp. Groggily, eyes hooded from slumber, she sits up. "Huh? What do you mean?" "MUM, it's the most important day of the year," you reply excitedly. She visibly perks up. "Oh my goodness," she exclaims. "Can it be? It's a Nintendo Direct day already?" "No," you reply, but she's already run downstairs to the computer. "It's my birthday."
My point is, children are stupid and they don't deserve Nintendo stuff. We should buy up all the things they just announced in the recent Nintendo Direct - like the freaking adorable knitted Yarn Yoshis that tie in to the just as freaking adorable Yoshi's Woolly World. Or the Jigglypuff amiibo that would probably just end up at the bottom of a toy chest if you gave it to an actual child. Look, they don't appreciate this stuff. Just give them a ball or a sock or something and tell them to use their imagination.
Meanwhile, us grown-ups who can enjoy games like Super Mario 64 and Yoshi's Island with all the finesse and expertise of a sommelier will be busy honing our gaming craft. And probably having ice-cream for dinner and staying up past our bedtime, because we can if want. We'll be choosing our sides in Fire Emblem mostly based on which dudes we fancy the most, and we'll be playing Paper Mario (the second best Paper Mario to date because Thousand Year Door is the best game of all time) until our thumbs fall off.
And I didn't even mention the new Animal Crossing game, which looks like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition in that you get to come into other people/animal's houses and touch all their stuff. Or the new Mario Kart 8 200cc mode, for people who love racing, hate corners and don't understand braking. 8 Fast, 8 Furious.
But apparently, other things have been happening elsewhere in the world, far off the coast of Nintendo Island where everything is colourful and confusing and occasionally utterly bonkers.
What's that over there? Why, is that the S.S. Hideo Kojima, pulling back into Konami Port? It just might be! After we reported last week that Kojima may or may not have become sausage, Videogamer has reported that Konami seem to have put his name back on the branding! Look, you can even check on their website. Sausage no more, my friend. Sausage no more.
No, I'm not going to talk about April Fools jokes. It was too painful. Let's just move on.
If you enjoy pretending to sit and talk to people that look a bit like meat wrapped around pipe cleaners, then you'll probably be more than a bit sad about the loss of Playstation Home. OK, sure, it was something special - even though it never officially left beta in its five and a half years of existence - and many people did really feel like it provided the titular 'home' on the Playstation. It's not exactly the cuddliest of consoles when it comes to its operating system, but Playstation Home let us decorate, shape and play in our own space. It's sad to see it gone.
This is by no means all the news this week but Nintendo Directs tend to take priority when they happen. I haven't even mentioned everything from the Direct. New Streetpass games! Mario Maker due in September! Mario Kart DLC! Splatoon! Attack on Titan: Humanity in Chains!!
Okay, now I'm done.