In case you weren't already aware, Game of Thrones season four started yesterday. And while Game of Thrones might be set in pseudo-medieval times we think it would benefit from some tech. After all, they spent thousands of years building a giant wall to keep themselves safe, so you'd think they'd perhaps at least consider also spending some time, you know, inventing stuff.
We've already covered what phones we think the characters would have, so here's a list of what technology they need and how it would help the world of Westeros and beyond.
Big brother is always watching, and in a place like King's Landing that can only be helpful. The city is full of criminals, brothels and ne'er-do-well schemers. The justice system would be infinitely improved by the addition of video evidence.
Expect to see more heads on spikes and prisoners taking the black. Of course, Ned's head wouldn't be on a spike, since the CCTV would have made it easier for him to solve the murder of Jon Ayrrn and prove the Lannister twincest.
2. Instant messaging and emails
Messages sent by ravens have a certain sense of morbid charm but they are very slow, not to mention entirely unreliable. Bad storm? Sorry, your raven is dead or off course. Hungry peasants? Your message is toast. Theon Greyjoy with a bow? Yeah you guessed it, dead. Why enslave a species of bird when you can use your new iPhone to send a quick message.
3. UV lights
Fear is for the long night, when snows fall a hundred feet deep and everyone has a vitamin D deficiency. If you think the short days of winter are miserable just imagine one long winter night that lasts for years, if not decades. UV lights would provide a bit of healthy artificial sunshine. It could also be used to grow food, getting around that pesky peasant starvation problem that tends to come when you can't farm your frozen lands. Just don't put them inside Littlefinger's brothel.
4. DNA Testing
When Jon Snow and Ned parted ways he was promised that next time they saw each other they'd have a nice long chat about his mum. Well Ned's dead and so is everyone else who knew about Jon's birth (probably). But with DNA testing Jon could start tracking his heritage and since he's half Stark he needs all the family he can get.
Other positives include: finding the rightful heir, proving Joffrey's bastardry and providing more evidence in those CCTV assisted court cases.
5. Social Media
If you have trouble keeping up with the numerous characters and alliances in Game of Thrones can you image how hard it would be to be part of that world? Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin would let everyone know who you were friends with, who you weren't and you could share pictures of your cute new direwolf puppy. If Robb Stark saw Roose Bolton friending Tywin on Facebook you can bet he'd be a bit more suspicious and a bit more alive.
6. Oculus Rift
Virtual reality could solve so many problems in the Game of Thrones universe. Want to pick a fight with someone, but don't want to risk dying? Challenge them to a virtual fight. Got a penchant for watching prostitutes beat each other bloody, but want to keep your satin sheets clean? Virtual prostitute torture. Want to visit a prostitute and not almost murder them? Well aren't you a good person! You can do that with VR tech too. (Two out of three of these examples were about prostitutes because as we all know prostitution is popular activity in the GoT-verse.)
Daenerys screaming "where are my dragons?" throughout season 2 got pretty irritating for all involved. Before that she was lost in the Red Waste without a map. If she just wants to go home then she needs GPS, because she's taking too damn long without it. Attach a GPS tracker to her dragons and they'll never be lost again. Get a GPS maps systems and find the quickest route to Westeros. Problem solved, kingdom conquered, peace restored.
Ramsay Snow messed up Theon pretty good last season, and we can't say he didn't entirely deserve it. But imagine all of that, and being subjected to Rebecca Black's Friday constantly on repeat (probably played on the lute). This is the sort of terror Ramsay could wield if he had access to Spotify. We imagine it would mostly be filled with renditions of the Rains of Castamere, uploaded to appease Lord Tywin.
9. Google glass
Imagine all of Varys's little birds sneaking around not only listening but also recording. The Master of Whisperers is already a powerful man but he'd be unstoppable with a legion of spies armed with Google Glass. Of course then they'd stick out like a sore thumb, which somewhat defeats the point.
10. Siri/Google Now/Cortana
Siri and other smartphone assistants would certainly give Jaime a hand now he's missing his right one. He could ask questions such as "is Cersei free this afternoon?", "what are the negatives of inbreeding?" and "is my son a psychopath?" like some sort of twisted magic mirror. Also, since he can only hold the phone in one hand any messages and calls he needs to make would have to go through voice activation. The rest of the world could use it too, for example Ser Davos could dictate notes to it (since he can't write). Just don't give it to Hodor.