BANGCRASHCREAK *coughcough* We're free! 7 days in Mobile, TechRadar's alternative and mostly fictitious look at the week's events, has freed itself from its prison under the disused BenQ Siemens HQ and has returned to find the world is a wholly different place.
We won't tell you how we came to be entombed in a coffin made entirely of Windows Mobile handsets - but let's just say a certain unicorn was pretty unhappy with certain people 'censoring his words on the beautiful BlackBerry Storm'.
When we last spoke, the Palm Pre was still a device that caused us to quiver with excitement, Nokia was still chucking out a new phone every day and Vodafone was happily chatting about DRM-free music. How things have changed eh?
So - we've had a quick look over the last week and we were shocked... no, flabbergasted by what we saw. OK, we weren't that amazed, but it was enough for us to work out that perhaps some of the stories could be better served by extreme embellishment.
O2 though the worst was over when it finally apologised to the UK for accidentally leaking mobile phone numbers to any website that requested then while a user was browsing the net on their handset.
But it appears that the company has also leaked Jeff McNultyParson's unfinished novel, where he describes his experiences as a fast food delivery man in a high class area of Hertfordshire.
Called 'Where's the beef?' the novel was meant to be an exploratory and defaming look at the way food couriers are treated by those with so much money they sometimes wake up laughing.
But when Jeff began receiving angry emails from horse fanciers the world over, Jeff has decided to scrap the project and will instead be suing O2 for 'the billions of pounds he would have made had the book been kept secret'.
"I mean, it's so obvious," Jeff told TechRadar exclusively. "One minute I'm browsing an erotic horse-jumping website on my Palm Pre, and the next thing I know, my novel is all over the internet. It can't be a coincidence."
O2 has responded curtly to the news, saying simply "We have no idea that such a book exists. Although we did all go home on Thursday and leave the doors unlocked with wild geese running around. Sorry about that."
We all know that Apple has more money than has ever existed, so it's no surprise to find out that the firm has actually installed a robot it created at the head of RIM.
Thorsten Heins was described as a 'little known company insider' before being promoted to lead the new firm, but TechRadar has been sent blueprints proving he's actually a cyborg created from the composite parts of ex-CEOs Mike Lazaridis and Jim Balsillie.
Uncovered: This robot has been heading up Nokia's design studio for 12 years thanks to Samsung
Several sources believe that the action is being taken ensure that RIM never manages to release its next-gen phones and instead keeps releasing the same phone with a different name for the next three years, insisting that "This one, NO, REALLY, this one is going to be a winner for us."
To the past-mobile!
You're probably bored of all the touchscreen smartphones on the market at the moment - but imagine if we still had rotary dials instead - playing Angry Birds would be a nightmare.
Well, here's the past looking at the future (which we call today or yesterday, depending on when you read this) on Tomorrow's World in 1979... including one of the world's first wrong numbers on a mobile phone.
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