On the day that Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize, crazed NASA scientists have declared WAR on the Moon, with our rocky neighbour due to come under fierce attack right about now by evil interplanetary NASA warlords.
The American space operator's LCROSS satellite will be deliberately smashed into the planetoid's surface today, with the heinous act of aggression broadcast live on NASA TV to boost the morale of Earth forces.
MOONBASE DAMAGED: The Apollo missions were sent there to set up huge targets
The official reason for the assault? Something boring about seeing how much water's there by analysing the dust cloud that floats up after the impact. The unofficial reason we're putting about on internet conspiracy theory forums? NASA's out to make those stupid Moon people PAY for daring to make our seas move. It was George W. Bush's last official order.
Plane crash? There are some plasters in the bathroom cabinet
You know what you really need when Flight 8000 plummets from 30,000 feet and crashes into the sea in two pieces, both of which are on fire? An air-bag. That will help. That's the conclusion of the US Federal Aviation Authority, which has toughened up its safety requirements for on-board plane seating.
BRACE: Stewardesses still required to put their heads between the knees of first-class passengers [Image credit: NASA Images]
With most aeroplane crashes apparently happening at relatively low speeds during take-off and landing, it's thought that having an air-bag in each seat could save lives. And in the event of not crashing on take off, you could punch the seat in front of you and use the inflatable as a nice pillow.
Ban all internets yesterday
Mainstream scare-monger resource the Daily Mail managed to turn a story about internet use into a grooming/paedophile special this week, thanks to a survey about children using the web.
Apparently, one fifth of children between the ages of five and seven use the internet without parental supervision, which was all the Mail needed to ram the words "paedophile" and "grooming" liberally throughout the piece, as if everyone on the whole internet is a sick pervert.
PERFECTLY SAFE: Daily Mail Island's latest object of fear
The disclaimer? The Mail said adult material could "potentially" be viewed by children through the web. Just like the daily rag could "potentially" cause death if it was rolled up and rammed down someone's throat.
"...Tweeted the star from intensive care"
More proof that anything anyone famous says is NEWS in these desperate times arrived yesterday, with ageing actress Liz Taylor hitting the headlines thanks to her suspiciously coherent and regularly updated Twitter account.
GOOD LUCK: And get the surgeon to TwitPic your chest cavity [Image credit: IMDB]
The now wrinkly star revealed via the inconsequential chat medium that she's about to have open heart surgery, before going on to criticise the press for needlessly exaggerating the facts of her illness. Calm down, Liz, you'll give yourself a... never mind.
Article continues below