It can be a hard life not being a Grand Theft Auto fan. Once every five years you're left scratching your head over why so many people get so excited over a game that's basically a taxi driver simulator bolted to a standard mission-based shooter. Albeit one with some funny posters.

Stick your head out from the cover position and you'll be told there's something wrong with you for not enjoying the series' mixture of glamorised prostitution, swearing, gangster activities and - new for 2013! - interactive scenes of graphic torture.

Still, we managed to find a few people that don't like GTA V very much. They haven't played it yet, of course, but that won't stop them giving it a review out of 10 and slagging it off regardless.

Indie Club

Over beneath a verbose preview thing on the Independent, John Goalbirth claims to be more of an indie gaming fan, suggesting that GTA lovers are kidding themselves if they expect any form of innovation from this new iteration, claiming: "As much as fanboys/media moguls want to hype the game it is, simply put, going to be another GTA title but with a bigger map."

Those are indeed two undeniable facts about it, but reader Jammi reckons John's just trying to look a bit edgy and cool by feigning a preference for underground indie titles, responding with: "Your internet indie hipsterism is dripping through even more.

"I can tell this primarily because you haven't seen the gameplay, let alone played it yourself and you have decided you are too cool for it already."

John's not won over by that, replying: "I'll play the game and enjoy it. Will it be remembered with any reverence in 10 years time? Nope."

And he might have a point there, as history has been rather unkind to predecessor GTA IV, a game which, after launching with the same blanket 10/10 review scores and head-exploding excited hyperbole as GTA V, is now thought of by many as the weakest GTA by some distance.

Million man march

The internet's current favourite complaint that liking anything containing a man is rampant misogyny was raised over on Digital Spy, where reader Owen Smith, a man, complained: "A lengthy DS review mentioning many characters and not a single one of them is female. What are these game developers thinking? This is the 21st century guys."

He was reassured by RotMojo with the consoling: "Of course there are females! They are the hookers."

And there was much, much worse than that over at Gamespot, where the site dared to let a woman actually have an opinion about GTA and write the entire review herself.

Site editor Carolyn Petit bravely gave the game a mere 9.0 out of 10, marking it down for being "Politically muddled and profoundly misogynistic," opening up the biggest can of worms in spicy tomato sauce the world's yet seen.

Out of the staggering 20,457 comments beneath the piece at the time of writing, there's quite a lot of hate.

Jonnyb81 summarised some of the outrage with his point, saying: "Killing, maiming, stealing, drinking, smoking, swearing, speeding... yeah, I'm fine with that. Disrespecting humanity as a whole... that's cool. Disrespecting women? NO 10/10 FOR YOU!"

The muddled mess of GTA's sprawling moral universe was perfectly summarised in response by 00J, who underlined the fact that there's good and bad in everyone, reporting that: "I just stopped a black guy from robbing a white lady in an alley with the black protagonist Franklin, although I did it from a stolen Mercedes AMG."

Is that offensive and racist, or does he deserve to get a medal for bravery? We are as confused as everyone else.

You're 43 years old and have work tomorrow

But some people are missing out on GTA V not through conscientious objections or personal ideologies, but the simple fact that lives have changed in the five long years since GTA IV hit.

Guardian commenter Altwebid bemoaned the existence of his inconvenient bloody children, saying: "Got kids and early starts now though. Game over. I'd kill for a bifter and a couple of hours with this."

We looked up "bifter" on the internet and it means either soft drugs or an overweight woman. Either way, Altwebid, we've reported you to your local council. Those kids won't be burdening you for much longer.