I am a cybersecurity expert, these are the online mistakes I made when raising my children that you should avoid

Having spent my career working in intelligence related to either terrorism or cyber threats, it’s safe to say I’m somewhat familiar with the absolute worst humanity has to offer. Combine that with the voluminous evidence of the deleterious effects social media has proven to have on young kids, especially girls, and it’s even more concerning (if you haven’t seen it, Netflix’s The Social Dilemma is worth a watch). As a result, I’m very cautious when it comes to social media and my children.

My instincts were further reinforced when my older daughter asked if she could post a game she had made in a children’s coding app for general use by other kids in the game.

There were no options for interactions or communication, simply posting the game so other kids could play it and in return, she’d get extra points she could spend on customizations for her character, so I said sure. A few hours later, she came back to me, upset that no one had “liked” her game after a few offers of it being posted… and it just truly drove the point home.

Social media is designed to take advantage of our hardwired psychological need for approval… that’s dangerous enough if you’re an adult who is ostensibly equipped with the emotional tools needed to assess and regulate your response, but if you’re a child who is just learning to navigate the world and understand that social media isn’t “real life,” the effects, both short- and long-term, can be devastating.

Since then, I’ve put a considerable amount of time into thinking about how and when my kids will be introduced to social media. While I think there are definitely some positive aspects to social media, when considering it for my kids, I should view it as a threat that needs to be mitigated. As such, I think it’s generally instructive to split the approach into two categories: psychological defenses and technological defenses.

Nurturing psychological resilience in a digital age

I won’t belabor this as there is already plenty out there on the importance of teaching your kids to think critically and not believe everything they see online as well as the importance of instilling self-confidence and self-esteem as armor against some of the cruelty that can be found on social media and the internet in general.

It’s also becoming an increasingly common recommendation to avoid social media access for your kids for as long as possible -- the evidence is overwhelming that the longer kids are separated from social media, the better it is for their mental and emotional health.

Especially for older kids who are starting to engage more directly with social media and/or the larger internet, talk to them about the threats that are out there. Internet scammers rely on naivety and lack of understanding, so kids are a key target for them. Sadly, too many children have fallen victim to scams like sextortion texts or the like, all too often with devastating results.

Explaining to your children what threats are out there and emphasizing that they can always come talk to you if they see something scary or confusing or, even worse, are being targeted by some of these scams, can help create a feeling of safety and security for them (and for you).

Your technological toolkit for online parenting

No matter how decisions are made, the internet and social media can’t be avoided entirely. Digital literacy is an important life skill and kids need to be able to navigate the cyber environment. Here are some of the technological defenses I’ve found useful in protecting my own children.

Parental controls are your friend: Nearly every device has the option for parents or guardians to set device limits on kids from everything from screen time to what sites can be visited to allowed apps. Familiarize yourself with these tools (and make sure those prying eyes don’t see your passcode!).

Start with the most draconian restrictions in place (e.g., many devices will allow you to block entire categories of sites or internet connections, such as those that allow chat functions, and you can also resort to simply allow listing any sites your children can visit rather than trying to investigate every site they want to access) and back off as you are more comfortable with your child’s ability to use the internet responsibly and understand the risks.

It’s easier to let out the reins slowly than it is to try and pull them back in once they’ve already been let go. The nice thing about this approach is that it’s at the device level, so your kids are protected whether they are on your home WiFi, using a cellular connection, or some other internet access point.

Set up parental controls around your online shopping accounts, as well, either using PINs or other protections, particularly for any voice assistants. At one point, my then 2-year-old asked Alexa to “buy the Fart app” from her crib when she was supposed to be napping and wouldn’t you know, it worked. I still watch the video of her doing that in awe. And, I am sad to say, we still have the app. That’s $2.99 I’ll never get back. So trust me on this one.

Secure your home Wi-Fi: Many home networks will allow you to set up profiles that will block certain connections at the router or gateway. For instance, you can create a profile for your child and block access to sites categorized by your provider as “Adult” or “Gambling.”

This adds another layer of protection for your kids. It also goes without saying that you should make sure you aren’t using a default password on your router or Wi-Fi or you are leaving the door open to hackers (or your own kids!) getting in and changing settings or conducting other malicious activity, like stealing personal data.

Help your kids establish basic cybersecurity practices: Get your kids used to practicing good cyber hygiene. Set up unique and complex passwords for every account and explain why. Show them how to use a password manager to create and store these passwords.

Teach them to update their devices when they get alerts that a new software update is available. Once they are old enough for email, talk to them about phishing and other scams. This is all part of the digital literacy children will need to operate safely online as they grow up.

While my generally skeptical and misanthropic nature drives me to focus primarily on the negative aspects of the internet, there are a lot of positives, too. When I’m in one of my old man moods, I marvel that “kids these days” have the vast majority of recorded music at their beck and call and can get answers (sometimes even accurate ones!) to most questions they can think of just by shouting it out loud.

However, the cyber threat environment is dynamic and it’s hard for even professionals to keep up with it. Understanding the overall concerns and following these basic steps can help you protect your children from the digital world they will have to live in.

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