I get lots of weird and wonderful stuff in my inbox.
Just this morning, I got 34 identical emails from a firm trying to persuade me to invest in Spanish property - but the news that Trent Reznor's quit the net and that 43 per cent of people without a net connection wouldn't get online even if it was free baffled me.
Hang on, Firefox needs an update. 43 per cent? That's...sorry, had to confirm that Firefox wasn't malicious software. Where was I? Oh yes. 43 per cent is an extraordinary number. I understand why people might be reticent about technology, but WENSELY JUST SECURED A SAFE HOUSE IN RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL #SPYMASTER when you consider all the benefits of going online, they more than make up for @GARYMARSHALL WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE HUMMING NOISE the disadvantages.
I mean, you can sell stuff on eBay, and a lot of the time the winning bidder won't ask you to send your items to Nigeria. And there's telly! Check this out! iPlayer! BBC programmes in high definition, whenever you want to watch them!
Oh, hang on, that's not very good. Picture quality's usually a lot better than this. What time is it?
Ah, OK, we're into peak time. Can I show you it again tomorrow morning? It's a lot better then, especially around 5, 6am.
I mean, of course there are irritants. But the same applies to...
Bloody Windows! If you don't spot the reboot message in time it reboots. Always when you're in the middle of something. Sorry about that.
The same applies to pretty much anything. And right now, the internet's better than it's ever been.
Bear with me, somebody's just sent me a Facebook friend request, two magic space bears and uploaded a photo of me being sick at a party.
Computers are cheaper, broadband is faster, coverage is more widespread, and instead of hype we've got stuff that really delivers. Google Mail, Flickr, shopping search engines, social networks, that sort of thing. You can save...
Hang on, just got an urgent email from my bank. Something's compromised their security so I need to confirm my username, password, address and my mum's maiden name. Won't be a sec.
You can save a fortune. I managed to get £200 off a TV online, and of course you can buy albums digitally, import DVDs, get cheap designer kit - OK, some of it is fake, but a lot of it isn't - or book holidays, read the newspapers for free… pretty much anything really.
And it's great for sharing. I ripped a video from my camcorder, stuck it on Vimeo and was able to email the link to my mum in no time at all, and when she upgrades her operating system, downloads the latest browser, installs the latest Flash player and gets broadband she'll be able to click on the link and watch it in high definition. That's brilliant.
Excuse me a second. jjduydhsggsf223232 has just sent me an instant message. Good God. Midgets with hammers!
I don't get it, I really don't. The internet's brilliant. Why on Earth would anybody want to stay away from it?