Now listen carefully, we want you to take good care of this equipment. It's expensive, high-tech and cutting edge - and it'll get you the girl...
And no, that's certainly not a quantum cloaking device; that's our lunch.
But, jokes aside, these are seven seriously powerful bits of spy equipment, even if some of the prices may prevent you from adding them to your kit list. Take a look.
1. M6 Guardian Special Operation Series
£506 • Spycatcher Online
No, it's not a lightsabre, I think you're getting your genres confused. This is quite simply the most powerful torch you can buy, bright enough to use as a landing light for aircraft. No, don't shine it in my eyes - you could damage them. Seriously. Specification? 250 ANSI lumens bulb, powered by six 3v lithium batteries. They last for an hour. The case is military grade and weather resistant and you can always use it to hit people over the head with. No, we'd rather you didn't hit us with it, thank you.
2. Land Rover Defender 110
£67,850 • Spycatcher Online
We know it's not an Aston Martin, but you shouldn't confuse the flash with the functional. The armour plating on the front, sides and rear of the Land Rover Defender 10 is capable of withstanding 5.56mm and 7.62mm rounds at point blank range, while the floor is hand-grenade and anti-personnel mine prove to 2kg. Armoured glass is standard. The tyres are run-flat Tyron bands so they should keep you moving. Power? We knew you'd ask that. V8 134bhp petrol with a manual five-speed box. Oh and, as we know that you like to keep your cool in hot situations, it's air-conditioned too. It's a 4x4, of course, so perfect for the school run. Do try to bring it back in one piece, won't you?
3. Hyundai MB-910 Phone Watch
£200 SIM-free • Hyundai Mobile
This is another one of the those phone watch doo-dahs. Doesn't look like it though, does it? Stealthy, you see. It weighs just 58g and yet boasts three hours of talktime, lasts for 70 hours on standby and is GRPS tri-band so it'll work wherever you do. It has a 65,000 colour touchscreen display and includes Bluetooth A2ADP wireless stereo. You'll be able to strap it to your wrist this summer. No, it doesn't include a camera. We have other devices for that. Have you been listening to anything I've said?
4. Tornado Night Vision Goggles Generation 2 +
£3,162.50 • Spycatcher Online
Now this one's important. This is a state-of-the-art night vision biocular - so it has two eyepieces, but only one night vision tube and lens. It comes with a 26mm F1 lens as standard, but there are a couple of others if you think you need them, including a 165mm F2.0, which gives you 6.3x magnification. The Tornado runs on two AA batteries and comes with this smart canvas bag. No, it's not a man-bag.
5. Taser C2
$349 (£248) • Taser International
This one comes from our American friends. It's a non-lethal weapon that's perfect for use in situations where your Walther PPK isn't. It fires a single C2 cartridge into your assailant and then zaps them with electricity - enough to incapacitate them while you make your getaway. Yes, we know you have an electric personality, can we move on? The built-in lithium battery is good for up to 50 uses and the unit is small enough to fit into your pocket, The Taser C2 is also available in nine different colours. The leopard print one? It's a bit vulgar for you, isn't it? Oh, and you can't use it in the UK. Well, not unless you're a policeman.
6. Spy Camera Glasses
£89.99 • I Want One Of Those
We told you there'd be a camera. This one is a 1.3-megapixel model, which is built into these UV400 polarised lens sunglasses. There's one 1GB of RAM onboard, enough for 10,000 pictures. You also get a wireless remote control, so you can take pictures wherever, and of whatever or whoever you like. You can download the pictures to your computer via USB and the sunglasses also have a pair of built-in earphones, so you can listen to music while you stalk. Just remember not to shout 'cheese' - that's a dead give-away.
7. Covert Asset Tracker (C.A.T.)
£845 or £99 per week to hire • Spycatcher
This is the modern version of that thing you used to track Auric Goldfinger in the DB5. You must remember! Never mind - you are, what, 91 now? It's a wonder you're still alive. This is a vehicle tracker. You place the matchbox-sized bit out of sight on the bad guy's car and then follow him using the unit with the colour display. It combines GPS and GSM technologies to triangulate his position, and also has a movement sensor, so you don't drain the battery when his vehicle's sitting still. The battery should last about five days. The C.A.T. can also be fitted with a SIM card, with text messages costing a minimum of 1p with a maximum charge of £1 per day. Well, Her Majesty's has to keep expenses down somehow. Those handmade shoes you favour don't come cheap, do they?
That's it. Now go kill the bad guy, get the girl and save the world. We're off to get tiffin.
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