If there's one thing we can't abide, it's vaguely tech-related stories that are loosely relevant to the iPad. You wouldn't catch us writing them. No way jose. Definitely not two of them. Definitely not in the same One More Thing.

Some other things we definitely wouldn't write about are trailers for adverts for phones, whether or not Kim Dotcom will get his schwag back and Ask Jeeves' new trivia app. And yet…

Imaginary pain of the day - Gosh, that iPad is a real pain in the shoulder, isn't it? What do you mean, no? "Shoulder doctor" Tony Kochhar says that it is. It definitely is, he says. No, really, it's a kind of RSI thanks to increased pressure on your joints as a result of "holding the tablet lower down". He's seeing 20 people a week for iPad Shoulder, you know. And we believe it. Stop sniggering. [PR]

Every Android lover's dream – Take one new iPad, one assault rifle, one HD video camera and, you know, some safety goggles and whatnot. Then you too can shoot an iPad straight in the Retina Display and reap the slow-mo benefits over and over and over again. Or just watch this video. One of the two. [Gizmodo UK]

Natalie Portalman - Here's one BAFTA The Artist didn't win: Game of the Year. That honour went instead to Portal 2 at a glitzy awards ceremony that we weren't invited to. Instead we went to Wetherspoons and had a curry. Whatever, it was fine. Portal 2 also took home the gongs for Best Design and Best Story, while Battlefield 3 won the coveted Game Award of 2011 which is voted for by the public. [CVG]

Help I'm a fish – Here's a story chock-full of marine wildlife: Penguin has bought the rights to a book version of Whale Trail. The iOS and Android game was a huge hit last year thanks in part to the wonderfully catchy Gruff Rhys track it inspired, which is exactly how it came to Penguin's attention. The ebook should be out in October 2012, with physical books to come in 2013. [The Appside]

Whale Trail

Enviro-phone – The Samsung Galaxy S2 and Samsung Galaxy Note have both had their carbon footprints certified, so Samsung can keep a track of these things and, presumably, try and lower them. Good for them. As Kermit will tell you, it's not easy being green. Or looking like Christian Bale. [PR]

Kim Dotcom update – It's been a while since we checked in with everyone's favourite Megaupload founder but today we bring good tidings: er, no, we're not getting him out of jail, just letting him know that he might be able to claim back all his luxury shiz seized by the courts because of a "procedural error" by the New Zealand police. That's if the courts look favourably on his request. So, probably not then. [BBC]

Pear drop – Soundrop has launched an iOS app bringing all the magic of its collaborative listening Spotify app to your iPad, iPhone and iPod Touch. It's free, but you'll need a premium Spotify account to use it. Worth it though, takes all the hassle out of thinking of stuff to listen to. [iTunes]

Trailer for an advert – Wes Anderson's latest masterpiece is set to be released on 24 March. No, not Moonrise Kingdom or another quirky underdog-on-a-journey-of-self-realisation starring Bill Murray and Owen Wilson complete with soaring indie soundtrack, but an advert for the Sony Xperia smartphone line up. Clearly Fantastic Mr Fox did not rake him in the cash. Can't wait 'til Friday to see it? Don't worry, here's a trailer. Yes, a trailer. For an advert. For a Sony phone. Jeez. [YouTube]

Welcome to 1999 – Ask Jeeves, which we confirmed was still going for you the other day, has launched a trivia app. Cutting edge stuff, this. [TNW]

MetOpolics Now – Hey, the Met! Police Academy called, it wants its software back. Specifically, the '80s software named MetOps that the police are going to use to keep a lid on things during the London 2012 Olympic Games since it did a sterling job during the riots last year. Everyone agrees the way the police handled those was an unparalleled success. [The Register]

Bonus tech video of the day - We're still banging on about the iPad queue, apparently. Today we're testing if people are Apple fans or Apple fashionistas by quizzing them on their Apple knowledge: