Just when you think it's all gone quiet in the realm of weird tech, along comes Paris Hilton to put the world to rights. But first: the world witnessed in silent horror a series of kamikaze attacks from the most unlikely of sources this week.

In Germany, an 81-year-old German woman was spotted driving the wrong way down a motorway in an electric wheelchair after taking - oh the irony - a short cut on her way to the cemetery. Motorists spotted the woman travelling at four miles per hour (the minimum speed limit on German motorways is 37mph, for the record) and alerted police who escorted her to safety.

Meanwhile, a flaming squirrel fell onto a parked car in New Jersey triggering an explosion which destroyed the vehicle. Sadly its efforts were in vain, as the car was unoccupied at the time. The alleged (and decidedly iffy) assault occurred after the animal bit through powerlines directly above the car.

iPod imprisonment hell

It seems that despite growing reports of corruption and repression, the Egyptian regime is becoming more liberal. It's still not cool for the press to criticise the president - but at least the terms of imprisonment aren't quite as bad as they were. Ibrahaim Essa, editor of Egypt's biggest opposition newspaper, has been sentenced to a year in jail for his writing:

"I've found out that I'm allowed to take my iPod," he told the Chicago Tribune cheerfully. "This is progress in the Mubarak era. Yes, they do torture you in your cell, but they allow you to listen to your iPod!"

And future generations, rejoice. Paris Hilton this week revealed plans to generously extend her life - and her beloved pets' lives - "by hundreds and thousands of years" in a cryogenic chamber. The heiress has allegedly bought shares in the Cryonics Institute, thus ensuring continued entertainment for our children's children's children.

But let's face it: in a world where secondary school pupils are tracked by radio microchips in their uniforms, and Sugababes / Girls Aloud branded mobile phones are considered acceptable, they're going to need some source of amusement.

Quick-round up

The Church has 'forgiven' Sony for using images of Manchester Cathedral as the scene of a violent gunfight in Resistance: Fall of Man without asking permission. "We do forgive Sony for what they have done, even though they still believe they have done nothing wrong," preached the Very Reverend Rogers Govender.

Intel invented a beer, coffee and fag-ash-proof laptop, and Jackie Chan apparently recorded an "officially-endorsed" song to celebrate the forthcoming Beijing Olympics.

And finally...

Good news if you're missing an eye (or just fancy a new pair). Scientists may have discovered a way to grow replacement eyes in the laboratory. But don't get too excited, the gene switching system still needs refining - test tadpoles have been emerging from the process with multiple eyes on unlikely parts of their bodies. Not a good look.