What is cool? How do we become cool? Why is what was cool a minute ago now uncool and when will it be cool again? How do we make it cool again? Should we sponsor Coachella? Is the iPhone still cool? Shall we make one of those? Are there any chocolate biscuits left?
This is just a selection of questions probably raised during BlackBerry's latest top level phone planning meeting, where execs probably got together to decide what the next BlackBerry phone should be like. So far, there's just one criteria on the table: "It's really about creating the next cool phones," according to CEO John Chen.
But BlackBerry hasn't had a great deal of success in the 'cool' arena lately. Obviously, TechRadar has. Let's help them out:
1. Don't make a slider phone
Slider phones are the equivalent of your dad dancing. They're taking a briefcase to school. They're dress shoes without socks. They're spinach in your teeth. They're falling over on the bus. They're realising you don't know the words when you're already singing along really loudly. They're people who make "but what about international MEN'S day" jokes. They're the worst.
2. Make a flip phone instead
Flip phones are back. With smartphones it's all the features all the time, but the flip phone philosophy is that less is more. Anna Wintour, arch overlord of the fashion world and Keeper Of All Things Cool, has one and 'millennials' are following suit. A sure-fire winner.
3. Don't hire Drake again
Even Drake gets that Drake won't be cool forever, and by the time you've finished designing and making your cool new phone, he'll be gone. Try a different Canadian. Google 'who is the coolest Canadian' and pick whoever comes up first.
4. Make a phone with LASERS
Lasers will never not be cool and there's probably some tie-in potential with The Force Awakens, too. Look, we've basically mapped out the entire marketing strategy here. There's really no excuse not to do this.
5. Put a pin in the phone thing
Have you thought about starting a band? Bands are cool.
Article continues below