Who decided that GDC, PAX East and EGX Rezzed should all be crammed into one fortnight? Seriously. It might sound exciting to do three huge gaming exhibitions in two weeks, but when you're passed out on the floor with blood coming out of your eyes (which is probably just a symptom of exhaustion and definitely not something to worry the doctor about) then you start to wonder if the great God of Gaming could have maybe spread out the schedule a little bit more.
Anyway, we're definitely not suffering from three kinds of jetlag and there's no fluids coming out of our eyes apart from the tears of joy at seeing all these lovely games. It's definitely not terrifying to have to write news stories about the billion things that have been announced and teased and released. Not at all. I love being swamped, it's my favourite.
So in between Uncharted 4 and Project Cars being delayed (noooo) and the second episode of Telltale's excellent Tales from the Borderlands coming out next week (yaaaay) there's been lots of news. News about games. And I'm going to tell you some of it, after I have a nap.
First up is GTA Heists, a new game mode that's just been added to the already pretty decent GTA V. Heists are your opportunity to get all dolled up (with a paper bag over your head) and go out on the town with friends (to rob a bank).
Heists were promised to us wayyyyy back in the day when Trevor was but a twinkle in the eye. They've been a long time coming, but we can finally play them - as long as you're at least level 12 in GTA Online, own a high-end apartment (the cheapest is still $200,000) and have a decent internet connection and enough free time to be sure you won't drop out and infuriate all your co-heisters.
Once you've sorted all that out, it's a piece of heist-cake. Each Heist has stages - scope out the bank, steal a nice armoured car, choose your team's outfits (the best part, if you ask me) and then, of course, the big heisty bit.
Some of them are a bit sedate, and if you've only got time for a short Heist, it can be a bit disheartening to find out that the only bit you can do involves getting in a car and letting someone else (your Heist partner) drive (badly) to a point where you sit and look at a building. Once your get into the meat of a Heist, it gets very fun - each player is assigned a role, such as Lookout or Prison Officer, and sometimes divided into teams.
Everything else is pretty damn cool, though - from the bit where you go into your Heist room in your fancy apartment and select the next move from a whiteboard, like a cool criminal, to the bit where you put paper bags over your head and beat up people because the game told you to. If you've ever wanted to play as someone who really hates other people but quite likes having their money, then GTA Heists is for you.
But, as Sebastian the wise crab once said: "under the sea, under the sea, darling it's better down where it's wetter." Yes, we love Heists, but do you know what else we like? OCTOPUSES (or octopodes if you prefer the correct Greek plural).
The greatest octopus of all, no, not the one that predicted the World Cup, or the ones that you find deep-fried in fancy pubs, I'm talking about the half-dad, half-cephalopod, all-man, Octodad - is now coming to Xbox One. He's been out on PlayStation, PC and Mac for a while now, flailing around with his many tentaculous limbs and charming us all with his story of love, acceptance and incredibly fun slapstick comedy.
Have you ever tried to pick up your house keys with two dead arms? That's roughly what the gameplay of Octodad: Dadliest Catch is like. Any game with a pun as rad as "Dadliest Catch" is alright in my books to begin with, but trying to help Octodad through the trials of everyday life with the world's most puppety controls is a beautiful thing.
Okay. News done. If you're at Rezzed, come say hi! If you're not at Rezzed, treasure your sleep and sanity. Kate out!