Have you heard the news? E3 2015 is kicking off in just a few hours! But what do we expect to see? It's a great question that, oddly, nobody else on the internet seems to have an opinion on - so allow us to step in.
There's just one problem: we don't actually know what's going to happen. So we've taken a stab at some stuff that might go down. We promise £100 to every reader for each one of these things that comes true. We haven't had this agreed with by our publisher, so we really hope they're not reading this.
Oculus Rift is exposed to be nothing more than a joke that went too far
"It started when we stuck some binoculars on my friend Steve," reveals Oculus founder and wonderkid Palmer Luckey. "He thought he was actually up a mountain. What a chump! So anyway it gave us this idea and we ended up making some tech in my shed that was kinda cool for porn. But nobody's really doing anything. John Carmack just sits around coming up with Dangerous Dave sequel names and I spend most of my time doing what I love most in the world: white water rafting." He confirms that the Oculus Rift won't ever launch and that they only announced an early 2016 announce date to shut the press up.
Andrew House isn't real
He was two beavers in a suit the whole time. The illusion is shattered when one of the EVE devs tries to put Project Morpheus on House's head and he literally falls apart on stage.
Nintendo announce that its new Link character is actually a horse
Haha! You thought that human in the trailer was the main character? That's just Jeremy the stablehand. The real star of Zelda Wii U is the horse. You play as the horse. You will have magical horsey adventures across the land of Hyrule, solving dungeon puzzles and fighting big wolf zombies with nothing but your hooves and a good, solid headbutt or two. It will be titled Legend of Zelda: Wizard Horse.
Nintendo announces it's quitting games and entering the paddling pool business
"It's a lucrative market and frankly we don't know why we didn't do this sooner. Seriously, do you know what the margins are like on these bad boys? Screw the lot of you" - Reggie File-Aime, president of Nintendo America.
Xbox One's exclusive Tomb Raider deal will last just 15 minutes
Microsoft Studios head Phil Spencer announces that Rise of the Tomb Raider is available RIGHT NOW and urges gamers to download it before it becomes available on PS4 just moments later. "Come on, come on, go, go go!" He looks at his watch anxiously. "Hurry up. HURRRRY."
Konami brings Kojima on to the stage, turns out it's just a sock puppet
"Everything is totally fine and I looooove Konami," squeaks the Koj puppet, attached to the hand of some poor Konami intern in a black morph suit. "Nothing has gone wrong to sour our professional relationship and if any of my games have been abruptly cancelled, it's totally because I just changed my mind about them! Teehee!" The audience is enthralled/totally convinced/confused/enraged (delete as necessary) and storms the stage, flinging Koj puppet into the crowd and chanting "Silent Hills! Silent Hills!" as the Konami PRs slowly soil themselves backstage.
Microsoft's press conference pretty much turns into a Rammstein concert
Following the success of last year's twinkly wristbands during the trailer for Ori And The Blind Forest, Microsoft attempt to ramp it up with this year's Rise of the Tomb Raider by throwing lit flares into the audience during the gameplay demo. This has the unforeseen consequences of everyone in the audience being both unable to see the trailer and also unable to breathe. Subsequent writeups include headlines like "Rise of the Tomb Raider looks a lot like the inside of my barbecue" and "ACK ACK HRGHH CKKHH CKKHHHH".