If you're getting a little ill over Apple's continued sales success quarter after quarter, we suggest you turn away from the rest of this story now. However, you can jump to the end for a little schadenfreude.
The company reported Q1 2014 results today (covering October 2013 - December 2013), and among its high notes was word Cupertino set an all-time quarterly iPhone sales record of 51 million units sold. That's up from 47.8 million in the year-ago quarter.
During the company's earnings call, Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer didn't break down iPhone sales by model. He did note the iPhone 5S faced supply constraints, yet the line as a whole still managed to top 50 million for the first time ever.
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There's no word on how the iPhone 5C (which may be the last of its plastic kind) fared. From the company's earnings call, the sentiment seems consumers weren't impressed with the 5C's features at its price point.
Other tech and a (very) low point
iPads also hit the all-time quarter record mark, striking upon 26 million compared to 22.9 million a year ago. Apple began selling the iPad Air and iPad mini with Retina display, two items that appeared to have pushed iPad sales to new heights.
Turning to bigger screens, Oppenheimer called the last three months "one of the best Mac quarters ever." Apple moved 4.8 million Macs compared to 4.1 million during the same quarter last year. Not bad for a 30-year-old piece of tech.
Software netted a nice cash flow for the company, with the update of devices to iOS 7 running at full steam. According to Oppenheimer, 80% of iOS devices are now running the latest software.
Amidst the glowing numbers, one rain cloud stuck out in the shape of an iPod.
Apple only managed to sell six million music players, down from 12.6 million in the year-ago quarter.
What was once a hot-ticket item now appears hobbled, as Oppenheimer said Apple expects iPod sales to continue to decline during the March quarter.